Golden Showers: Round 1

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Updated: May 9, 2014

Golden Showers-  1st Round Recap

Well, we have finally finished the 1st day of the draft, which means there is likely to be a push for more content.   The workhorse broke out of the pen, so this will likely be published in July.  Hopefully, Robert returns and reminds us that I called Kelvin Benjamin to Carolina.  I later rescinded that because I thought they hated the passing game, but he has not been around for that.  Through selective polling I can claim my Livefyre tag.

Now is the climax of the offseason battle — the first-round picks.  Who are the early winners and losers?  Too be honest, it has been gloriously similar to every recent draft.

Slick Rick

Slick Rick Spielman managed to bring in Mike Zimmer to be the coach this offseason.   Zimmer got to handpick a rookie linebacker and went with Barr; I’d do the same.

I also scream the same words he does on Sunday.  I have plans to use that similarity to tell people that I hear quicker, so I can give off the kung fu subtitles effect.

Slick Rick also had a different interpretation of “Tank for Teddy” and once again took Seattle’s first-round pick. He  also managed to hustle Jimmy Haslam for a second time. Amazing how he is not the con artist.

No Man Tarkenton

The Browns drafted Johnny Football, so the team’s top play makers are Manziel and Josh Gordon. The pick was  as reported by Sal Paolantonio, and not Kevin Costner as many suspected.

The rumors of Manziel, Haslam and Gordon celebrating by snorting coke off of a stripper’s breasts at this point are not confirmed.  No video or photo evidence has come to life, but if you have anything, post the link below.

Yes, this has the potential for a true BP-style shitshow.

Do not hurt the Loins

LKP is going to begin to say that Detroit has the tight end equivalent of Jimmy Graham squared.  Though there is no metric to disprove this claim,  do not test the other theory: that the offense is in fact “bulletproof.” That is an expression not meant to be taken literally. 

Packer Backer

The Green Bay Packers fans get to celebrate at least for one good reason. They drafted and brought in players whose names just resonates with the immaturity in all of us –Julius Peppers and Haha Clinton-Dix being the key additions this offseason.

If Clinton-Dix does not take jersey No. 42, I am going to be disappointed. I am really wondering whether Scott Walker or Rob Ryan will make the first public joke.  The timing for Lewinsky speaking out has never been better.

An update will be coming shortly. 

Revenge of Da Bears

With Trestman being the new face of the franchise, he brought in a free-agent notorious for having a mullet. Any movie that starts with two guys like that does not go well for the jocks.

The Bears followed up the acquisition of Mullet King with a first-round pick I know nothing about. Some cornerback. Not Gilbert or Denard — the other guy. Weird. Apparently Trestman is still using the metric he designed with some subject named “Ogre.”

And the Draft Day Gameball goes out to

Minnesota, of course, but I am going to be so pissed if Teddy Bridgewater sucks.  Mad pissed.

I still think Minnesota edged out Green Bay because of the number of picks at key positions and, well, complete bias. But Ted Thompson made some great strides this year, and if Haha Clinton-Dix busts, it could become one of my favorites.

About the author(s)

Nathan Salaam puts his sarcastic sense of humor to work as the satire columnist for Water Cooler Sports Network. He grew up in South Central Minnesota and is a lifelong Minnesota Vikings fan. He considers the Vikings to be the perfect fit for a man of his sardonic streak. Contact him at with questions, comments, suggestions for future humor pieces, or appearance requests at your local comedy club.

1117 comments
niemerg1
niemerg1

wow, i can't see any comments from the last 40 minutes...

So I have that going for me. Which is nice.
So I have that going for me. Which is nice. moderator

I don't look at it like that, niemerg. I try group players into tiers. I had Fuller on par with Roby and the short kid whose name is escaping me. I thought Gilbert and Dennard were better than that tier of players.

niemerg1
niemerg1

BWC, i can't stop laughing at your answer

niemerg1
niemerg1

MKE, you never answered. where do you think Fuller should have been taken? late first? like the 28-32 range? or later

niemerg1
niemerg1

 so, it was the order the CB went in and not the location? 

Building With the Alabama Hammer
Building With the Alabama Hammer

It's like I said. I didn't like the pick because it was a CB that isn't projected to be that much better than CBs that were taken 10-15 picks later.

adambballn
adambballn

 

Yep... now he'll only have to deal with Jennings, Tillman, and a nickelback that was a first round pick.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

2nd round, obviously.

He totally would have been available since he was such a reach.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 because faulty logic angers me

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

who says I'm riled up?

So I have that going for me. Which is nice.
So I have that going for me. Which is nice. moderator

I think there is some truth to what BWC was saying. People are seeing how important safeties can be, and quite a few teams are looking for a playmaker there.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 generally speaking, safeties aren't taken in the first round and CBs are. i was really surprised so many were taken in the first round this year

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

which is still silly, because different defensive systems call for different types of CBs.

adambballn
adambballn

 

Maybe the Bears scouts and Emery projected this guy to be much better than the dumb asses that write stories on these guys because they aren't good enough at what they do to have people pay them to actually select these guys in a draft?

niemerg1
niemerg1

 and im free to believe, along with other people, that its faulty logic

Building With the Alabama Hammer
Building With the Alabama Hammer

I don't believe anything GMs say about picks that they 'would have made'.

GMs always bull shit the hypotheticals.

Ted Thompson especially.

adambballn
adambballn

 

Maybe the other GMs liked this guy too... the media said they reached for Long last year, then after the draft it was popping up everywhere that a lot of teams were targeting Long in the first round.  We'll never know what the GMs are thinking just what a bunch of morons that couldn't make it think.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

I still don't think MD Jennings sees the field other than special teams.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

and what?  try and convince a team that already obviously doesn't want to do it?

Good luck with that.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

"There are always trade offers."

Not true.

The quote from the cowboys camp this year proves it.  They sat at sixteen, and their phone never rang.

Building With the Alabama Hammer
Building With the Alabama Hammer

There are always trade offers. THere just aren't always trade offers that GMs see as worth it.

If you can't trade back, take a position that isn't so deep.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 i could counter that since so many DB's were taken in the 1st, that this will turn out better because the bears can now get better value in a position like DT

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

You keep spouting "trade this, trade that."

If there were no trade offers, what then?

Building With the Alabama Hammer
Building With the Alabama Hammer

I also think that with how deep CB was this year that unless he ends up being so much better than the rest of them, they should have gone with another position or traded back even further, picked up another 3rd or even a 2nd, and still gotten a good CB.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 ok, that i can see...but damn, that cracked me up

Building With the Alabama Hammer
Building With the Alabama Hammer

Hey I've said all along you move back a few spots and get value from the pick.

I didn't call it a reach. Just said they didn't get value from the pick.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

definition of a reach.