WCS Week 13 Power Rankings: Bring out the sorting hat

By
Updated: December 4, 2013

With a convincing defeat of the Kansas City Chiefs to c omelet the season sweep, the Denver Broncos took over top billing in the AFC — but only climbed one spot in the Water Cooler Sports Week 13 Power Rankings.

Proctologistics

Well, here we are, 13 weeks into the 2013 NFL season. To use a horse-racing term, we have reached the three-quarter post. If you know anything about horse racing, or football, you must realize that anything can happen.

While many teams have positioned themselves well for the stretch run, nothing has been decided. In fact, only one team, the Seattle Seahawks, have clinched a playoff berth. Conversely, only four teams have been mathematically eliminated.

I’m sure most of you feel that you have it pretty well figure it out at this point.

I assure you, you don’t. There are more playoff possibilities than there are prostitutes in Tijuana.

Anyone predict the Kansas City Chiefs being the last undefeated team?

Did you predict the New Orleans Saints would be held to 180 yards of offense Monday night?

How many of you had the Green Bay Packers going 0-4-1 after a 6-2 start?

Which one of you brainiacs predicted the Houston Texans would have the league’s worst record after 13 weeks?

We have four weeks left — one quarter of the season. Fasten your seat belts kids (or loosen the noose). This ride is about to get hairy!

You said it

Johnathan Wood: I honestly think JAX should be ahead of ATL.

JJ: Your wish is my command. I aim to please. (I usually practice by writing my name in the snow, and I have the driest toilet seat in the tri-county area).

Building With Clay: Lions lucky to face back up RBs the last 5 weeks. Run defense gets exposed by Lacy.

JJ: I would hardly call 10 carries for 16 yards as “exposing” the Lions run defense. Perhaps you were referring to the team totals of 15 carries for 24 yards.

Who’s hot

The Seattle Seahawks became the first team to clinch a playoff berth, while the Carolina Panthers continue their magical run,

Who’s not

The Green Bay Packers are in a free fall while the golden boy, quarterback Aaron Rodgers, continues to mend.

Honorable mention

The Baltimore Ravens have quietly moved into playoff contention.

It’s time to rank ’em and spank ’em!

Week 13 Power Rankings

Rank
(Previous)
Team Record Comments
1
(1)
Seattle Seahawks 11-1 Bonk! Dink, dink, dink. Snatch!
Touchdown!
2
(2)
Carolina Panthers 9-3 Isn't beating up on the Buccaneers considered bullying?
3
(4)
New England Patroits 9-3 Have you ever considered playing with a lead? You might enjoy it. I know your fans would.
4
(5)
Denver Broncos 10-2 Quarterback Peyton Manning is on pace to have more touchdowns than excuses this year.
5
(3)
New Orleans Saints 9-3 Shake it off. It wasn't nearly as embarrassing as your loss to the Jets.
6
(7)
San Francisco 49ers 8-4 Vernon, show me where he touched you on this Walter Payton doll.
–Roger Goodell
7
(8)
Cincinnati Bengals 8-4 Pssst. Reggie Wayne is out. Focus on stopping the run.
You're welcome.
8
(6)
Kansas City Chiefs 9-3 Does Peyton also walk your dogs and sleep with your wives when he's in town?
9
(10)
Indianapolis Colts 8-4 Based on his Twitter account, your owner has no faith in you. Neither do I.
10
(13)
Philadelphia Eagles 7-5 How much did you save by locking Nick Foles in for the next thousand years?
11
(12)
Baltimore Ravens 6-6 You seem to have a flare for the dramatic.
12
(14)
Dallas Cowboys 7-5 Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to have you and the Bears on Monday Night Football in December?
13
(17)
Detroit Lions 7-5 What could possibly go wrong?
14
(9)
Arizona Cardinals 7-5 In the desert, you got no game, cause there ain't no one for to give you no game.
La La-La La La-La La La La La
15
(20)
Miami Dolphins 6-6 It's sad when your greatest team cares more about other teams losing than about you winning.
16
(11)
Pittsburgh Steelers 5-7 Fundamentals, coach! You can't tackle with your back to the play.
17
(23)
New York Giants 5-7 You tease your fans like a twenty-dollar hooker.
18
(18)
Tennessee Titans 5-7 Yeah, uh, you needed to win that game.
19
(15)
St. Louis Rams 5-7 I don't get it; you looked so good against the Bears.
20
(16)
Chicago Bears 6-6 Your defensive backs rode running back Adrian Peterson like a bunch of jockeys.
21
(19)
Green Bay Packers 5-6-1 Thirty-point margin of victory!
Oh, wait, you lost by 30? To Detroit?
BWHAHAHAHAH!
22
(21)
New York Jets 5-7 Geno Ryan. Rex Smith.
I can't tell the difference anymore.
23
(24)
San Diego Chargers 5-7 You inspire mediocre people everywhere.
24
(22)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-9 Well, it was a nice little run.
25
(28)
Minnesota Vikings 3-8-1 If you win out, and the rest of the division loses all their games, you win the division.
26
(25)
Buffalo Bills 4-8 Maybe next year.
27
(26)
Oakland Raiders 4-8 Nothing about your team is intimidating anymore.
28
(27)
Cleveland Browns 4-8 Hey, the Jaguars at home are a trap game for anyone.
29
(30)
Atlanta Falcons 3-9 You're all wieners in my book.
30
(31)
Jacksonville Jaguars 3-9 Pride goeth before the fall . . . in the draft.
31
(29)
Washington Redskins 3-9 It's first and 10. No, wait, It's fourth and one! Oh, never mind, your season's over anyway.
32
(32)
Houston Texans 2-10 You played inspired and had a lead, but, truth be told, you just suck seed.

About the author(s)

Ejected from a dry, desolate womb, Power Ranker John Jedlicka was thrust into this angry universe against his will, and better judgement. Armed with the knowledge of good, and the power of right, John has made it his sole mission to level fools with his arsenal of truth, and soften the blow of the harsh realities of this cruel world on the meek minded. Feel free to contact him at with praise, ridicule, or requests for clarification. Connect with

3402 comments
SDL
SDL


Everything here seems normal

Carry on.... 

Panthers > Saints
Panthers > Saints

Goodnight  Dinosaur fuckers and yes I'm looking at you SDL 

JJ CAROL1NA PANTHERS
JJ CAROL1NA PANTHERS

North Carolina beats Louisville and Michigan State but loses to UAB and Belmont LOL

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

And here I was, treating this like a serious problem

robertj72
robertj72

Reggie...be sure not to invite any of the people they cheated with. That would be a bummer.

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

 it's 11:33 and ALL'S WELL!!!!!!

SDL
SDL

 

Don't knock it until you've railed it

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

 That stegosaurus totally wanted it. 

natradamus
natradamus

 something about her does not make me believe she is into hockey.  maybe it is the growing up in MN part....

natradamus
natradamus

 well-  there is him-  and that one guy in D.C.  MN has one.   He beat all 3 of em?  hmmmm....   good for him.

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

 always leave them wanting more reg.

get outta you crazy kid.......


Ahhhh young love.

Panthers > Saints
Panthers > Saints

 I'd rather them  beat  good teams and get the bad loses out of the way early 

SDL
SDL

 

total homo

robertj72
robertj72

I don't feel special when you give it up for them too. 

*sulks in corner*

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

Why so serious?

THAT JUST HAPPENED

robertj72
robertj72

Unless you want to make it an Anniversary/Key Party!!

natradamus
natradamus

 mounted or two hand grasp style?

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

  she is either a wife or girlfriend.

SDL
SDL

  


robertj72
robertj72

  Vontae Leach is the only other FB that even compares in talent. Although he is more a top notch blocker.

natradamus
natradamus

  did not know about this though

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

  Well look who Hoverrounds their old ass in at the 11th hour..

SDL
SDL

   

Having it: Not the problem

Keeping it going for all those long decades: the key

natradamus
natradamus

   yup.   sacrifices have to be made

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

   It easy to have a life when you were one of the first people ever..

SDL
SDL

   

Yeah. 

Consequences of having a life