WCS Week 12 Power Rankings: You can’t keep a bad team down

By
Updated: November 27, 2013

The Seattle Seahawks successfully defended their position atop the Water Cooler Sports Power Rankings in Week 12.

Proctologistics

It only took 57 weeks, but the Jacksonville Jaguars have finally floated to the top of the toilet bowl, besting that sinking turd, the Houston Texans, to shed their 32nd ranking. Congratulations! You’re finally a bowel movement your parents can be proud of.

Football fandom is a very unique experience for the diehard. It twists his emotions, warps his morality.

A true fan often resides in an alternate reality, where good and bad, right and wrong take on new meanings, and loyalty and bias trump honesty and empathy as coveted virtues.

As a Chicago Bears fan, I am bound by my loyalty to hate the Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, and Detroit Lions. Yes, hate – an emotion normally reserved for the most despicable acts, and lowest forms of life in my daily life.

But it doesn’t stop there. I don’t just want these teams to lose every week; I revel in my glee when they do lose.

In life, I wish the best for everybody, my enemies included. Obviously I want to succeed, and I wish the best for my family and friends, but that doesn’t make me wish for others to fail. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I lose sleep when some douchebag suffers or gets what he has coming, but I don’t derive enjoyment from his suffering. My typical response might be sadness or pity.

Such is not the case with football.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are rising on wings of doves.

Watching the Lions blow a lead and lose a game brings a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that could heat a small village (of Bears fans). Witnessing the suffering of Packer fans as they sweat through the loss of quarterback Aaron Rodgers gives me a smug sense of satisfaction.

Fandom has not turned me into a complete monster, though. I can separate the game from life.

While I may enjoy the suffering of Packer fans as they bounce from one shitty quarterback to another, I can also empathize with their plight. After all, Chicago is not exactly a quarterback mecca.

And while I may celebrate the demise of the Vikings and the self-destructive nature of the Lions, there is a part of me that wishes they can right their wrongs. I not only want my team to win, I want to be associated with the best division in the NFL. I want to beat the best.

Football brings me great joy, but it pales in comparison to my day to day.

I am a father of two, and my greatest joy is my boys. I want them to be happy and healthy. I enjoy music, sunny days, and a good game of darts.

I am fortunate that I can pour my heart into a game I love, then set it aside in a moment to center my life on more meaningful endeavors.

This ability to step away keeps me sane, impartial (to a degree), and has saved the lives of at least two dogs, not to mention a couple of family members.

Enough of that shit. Let’s get back to football.

You said it

LKP: Oh putting the Bears ahead of the Lions. Lions pull away this week. Boombaya.

JJ: I’m buying you a helmet for Christmas. Also, avoid gambling, investments, and any activity that involves risk.

SDL: Usually, I find these things unworthy of comment. However, the Packers beat the Ravens in their house and have a better record; ergo ranking them ahead of the Packers is pure poppycock.

JJ: In the last four weeks you lost to the Bears, Eagles, Giants, and tied the Vikings. Only Atlanta and Houston have done worse. *sips poppycock*

Who’s hot

The Tennessee Titans have (for the moment) grabbed the final Wild Card spot in the AFC.

Who’s not

For the second week in a row, the Houston Texans have reached a new low.

Honorable mention

The Arizona Cardinals have quietly amassed the fifth best record in the NFC.

It’s time to rank ’em and spank ’em!

Week 12 Power Rankings

Ranking
(Previous)
Team Record Comments
1
(2)
Seattle Seahawks 10-1 The banned substances list is not a suggestion.
2
(4)
Carolina Panthers 8-3 "Uh, I just thank God for the ability to football."
--Cam Newton
3
(5)
New Orleans Saints 9-2 Still think you can't be beat in the dome?
4
(7)
New England Patriots 8-3 Good thing Rob Gronkowski wasn't a mass murderer.
5
(1)
Denver Broncos 9-2 Congratulations, you've changed my view of what I consider a safe lead.
6
(3)
Kansas City Chiefs 9-2 Check your pants; I think you sharted.
7
(10)
San Francisco 49ers 7-4 I'm not sure I feel good about beating up on the Redskins right before Thanksgiving.
8
(8)
Cincinnatti Bengals 7-4 Your success is making Cris Collinsworth more unbearable than usual.
9
(11)
Arizona Cardinals 7-4 You must have taken Aaron Rodgers' advice on how to deal with cancer patients.
10
(6)
Indianapolis Colts 7-4 Really? Reggie Wayne is all it took?
11
(18)
Pittsburgh Steelers 5-6 If you want it, you have to take it. Too bad your games aren't played in women's restrooms.
12
(19)
Baltimore Ravens 5-6 I may be in a minority, but I believe Flacco has two C's.
13
(13)
Philadelphia Eagles 6-5 You're going to drive Michael Vick back into dog fighting.
14
(15)
Dallas Cowboys 6-5 I haven't seen Jerry Jones smile so much since he touched me when I was seven.
15
(23)
Saint Louis Rams 5-6 Jeff Fisher still has the best porn 'stache.
16
(9)
Chicago Bears 6-5 Midgets of the Midway isn't working for you.
17
(12)
Detroit Lions 6-5 "Never before have so many done so little with so much." --Winston Schwarchill
18
(24)
Tennessee Titans 5-6 You are way too high, but you currently hold the sixth seed.
19
(20)
Green Bay Packers 5-5-1 Sad when a tie with the Vikings, at Lambeau, is a moral victory.
20
(14)
Miami Dolphins 5-6 How does it feel to sit down at a table, and have the rest of the NFL get up and walk away?
21
(17)
New York Jets 5-6 Monkey off your back! You finally broke the streak of winning every other week.
22
(26)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-8 You do realize you're saving Greg Schiano's job, right?
23
(16)
New York Giants 4-7 See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
24
(28)
San Diego Chargers 5-6 Sybil Rivers strikes again.
25
(25)
Buffalo Bills 4-7 Don't get all smug and act like you wouldn't have picked Geno Smith.
26
(21)
Oakland Raiders 4-7 Remember the Titans? Oops, you're trying to forget that. Sorry.
27
(22)
Cleveland Browns 4-7 Pssst! You get Jacksonville next week.
*wink wink*
28
(30)
Minnesota Vikings 2-8-1 So you're saying there's a chance?
29
(27)
Washington Redskins 3-8 If it's any consolation, I think you'll be one of the last to be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
30
(29)
Atlanta Falcons 2-9 Take it from a Cubs fan: there's always next year.
31
(32)
Jacksonville Jaguars 2-9 Onions, baby! Onions!
32
(31)
Houston Texans 2-9 Wow! Just . . . wow!

About the author(s)

Power Ranker John Jedlicka graduated from Peotone High School, in Peotone, Illinois. He spent six years in the United States Navy as a reactor operator on a nuclear submarine, and has a degree in Nuclear Technology from Siena Heights University. John's sons are honors students in Physics, and IT, and wonder why their father wishes to compensate for his paucity of tumescent endowment by writing, pro bono, for a sports site. Feel free to contact him at with praise, ridicule, or requests for clarification. Connect with

1125 comments
THEGOOSEISLOOSE
THEGOOSEISLOOSE

wow, one of the wings draft picks this year, Tyler Bertuzzi, has grown 4 inches and gained 32 pounds in the past year

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

I'm going to work really hard for the next hour so I can come back and talk to you guys for the last hour. BRB LOL IDK my BFF Jill

Staffords_Glove
Staffords_Glove

Ive posted this before. But it needs to be posted again


SDL
SDL

My wife is a very talented photographer.  This was, however, my camera and I didn't have the auto-focus adjusted correctly.

The wife and daughters were on the field for about an hour.  ARodge was clowning around and looking healthy and happy... more coming


Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

Whoever wrote these power rankings has less integrity than the Detroit Lions

Lions 49 Packers 7
Lions 49 Packers 7

PFF still ranks Matt Staffford 3rd best QB in the league. Boombaya

jwood23 bear down
jwood23 bear down moderator

oh, and PFF also holds that Reggie Bush is the 5th best RB in the NFCN

thenichels
thenichels

 Any relation to that douche bag who used to play in Vancouver?

andylet445
andylet445

this is the most articles we've had in ages and barely anyone is around.  nice work

bp.
bp. moderator

 I think we can all agree on these particular women, who do not have 18-packs and traps Ahnold would die for.

SDL
SDL

 

Yes.  Yes, it does.

On a regular basis.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

Rodgers and I have the same mustache right now.

andylet445
andylet445

how many balls does one guy need?

bp.
bp. moderator

 He looks 100 years old.

bp.
bp. moderator

 Sounds like a racist.

andylet445
andylet445

"You must have taken Aaron Rodgers' advice on how to deal with cancer patients." 

still my favorite line.

bp.
bp. moderator

 He might be.  Bush is good in space though.  Its all about using him right.

I like Bell.  Tough little bastid.

Lions 49 Packers 7
Lions 49 Packers 7

 Bush is an explosive back with 8 20+ yard plays. That's what the Lions need with Bell in the mix too

Lions 49 Packers 7
Lions 49 Packers 7

  The only thing stopping Stafford is flukey turnovers. 24 TDS with 5 games to go. That's a good year.

8 of his 12 picks intended for Megatron.

jwood23 bear down
jwood23 bear down moderator

  they think the top 3 are Peyton, Wilson, Stafford.

I'll agree with one of those three.  I'll let you guess which one

andylet445
andylet445

  they must have a huge weight on yards without looking at attempts. 

jwood23 bear down
jwood23 bear down moderator

  according to PFF Lacy>Peterson and Joique Bell is > Bush

thenichels
thenichels

 What are you?  Some kind of mutant?

andylet445
andylet445

well than that ball boy is a hoarder.  someone should intervene. 

Fire Schwartz and Linehan
Fire Schwartz and Linehan

   he pissed me off last week when he had an easy first down and decided to run backwards to attempt to gain more yards. Take the first down you dumbass

THEGOOSEISLOOSE
THEGOOSEISLOOSE

  

I don't really see lots of negative runs with bush. I do see lots of 1 or 2 yard gains down the middle however

Lions 49 Packers 7
Lions 49 Packers 7

 The rewards outweight the risks despite 8 picks, 8 drops and 56% completion to Calvin