Giving thanks around the NFL

By
Updated: November 27, 2013

They might be turkeys, but the NFL teams playing on Thanksgiving Day will be much more interesting than the food.

This Thanksgiving Day holiday, as we all gather with family to share what we are thankful for and simultaneously try to ignore the family so we can watch the football games, I thought it only appropriate to see what each NFL team is thankful for this season.

AFC East

The New England Patriots are thankful they play in the AFC East.

The New York Jets are thankful none of their wide receivers or running backs are talented enough to get resentful about the bad quarterback play of Geno Smith.

The Buffalo Bills are thankful they will miss the playoffs again. Losing a fifth Super Bowl would simply be more than they could bear.

The Miami Dolphins are thankful for the Martin-Incognito circus distracting the media from how bad Mike Wallace and Ryan Tannehill are.

AFC North

The Cincinnati Bengals are thankful that they finally have more players nominated for the Pro Bowl than on the police blotter.

The Cleveland Browns are thankful that half the games are away so they have a good excuse to leave the Forest City for a weekend.

The Baltimore Ravens are thankful that their down year is coinciding with Pittsburgh’s even more down year.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are thankful that Terrible Towels are super-absorbent.

AFC South

The Indianapolis Colts are thankful that all games come with second halves.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are thankful quarterback Tim Tebow isn’t around to drawing all that pesky media attention, gate revenues, and expectations of winning. “And the Titans! Thank you, God, for the Tennessee Titans.”

Meanwhile, the Tennessee Titans are thankful their woeful team is a perfect match for the country music capital. “My pickup stalled. My woman left. Michael Vick is my dogsitter. I am a Titans fan. Sweet Lord Almighty, the Nashville blues.”

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is happy open-toed shoes are so very popular.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is happy open-toed shoes are so very popular.

The Houston Texans are thankful that any Texas football fan cares more about the Cowboys, Longhorns, Aggies, and the local high-school team than about them.

AFC West

The Kansas City Chiefs are thankful Philly kept Vick and dropped head coach Andy Reid.

The Denver Broncos are thankful that quarterback Peyton Manning has made their entire coaching staff immaterial.

The Oakland Raiders are thankful that their fans care more about their Goth motif than winning games.

The Chargers are thankful they are in San Diego. If you are going to underachieve, at least do it in sunny, 72-degree weather. Suck on that, Buffalo!

NFC East

The Dallas Cowboys are thankful that moral victories count. Wait, what? They don’t?

The New York Giants are thankful that quarterback Eli Manning acted like a Mensch before showing his true colors.

The Washington Redskins are thankful that the nation is more offended by their nickname than their play.

The Philadelphia Eagles are thankful they no longer have to celebrate a dog murderer.

NFC North

The Detroit Lions are thankful that Aaron Rodgers got hurt. And Jay Cutler. And Casey Hayward. And Charles Tillman. And Nick Perry. And Lance Briggs. And Randall Cobb. And Clay Matthews III. And Henry Melton. And Jermichael Finley. And Nick Collins. They’re also thankful to be half a game up on the Packers.

The Minnesota Vikings are thankful that the Metrodome, unlike their team, has not collapsed. Again.

The Green Bay Packers are thankful they didn’t win the Steven Jackson Sweepstakes.

The Chicago Bears are thankful that only a Detroit implosion stands between them and the playoffs. Which means they’re going to the playoffs.

NFC South

The Atlanta Falcons are thankful that they don’t have to give away five picks to draft a stud this time.

Ahmad Brooks delivers a hit causing him to fumble the ball and his to expand 5 times it's normal length.

San Francisco 49ers linebacker Ahmad Brooks delivers a hit on New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, causing him to fumble the ball and his neck to expand five times its normal length.

The New Orleans Saints are thankful that, trite platitudes aside, cheaters do occasionally win.

The Carolina Panthers are thankful that head coach Ron Rivera finally ditched John Fox’s playbook.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are thankful that 2002 happened.

NFC West

The St. Louis Rams are thankful that they won’t have to worry about any of their players getting injured in the Pro Bowl.

The San Francisco 49ers are thankful they only have to face running back Marshawn Lynch twice a year. Wait, playoffs? Dammit!

The Seattle Seahawks are thankful that their opponents only play a 54-minute version of football. Otherwise, they might be 7-4 right now.

The Arizona Cardinals are thankful they have quarterback Carson Palmer. Sure, he sucks, but did you see what they trotted out in 2012? Kevin Kolb. John Skelton. Ryan Lindley. No NFL team ever featured a worse triumvirate. Kurt Warner was once a grocery store bagger. Last year’s trio would be underqualified for that gig.

About the author(s)

A self-described NFL addict and "stats geek," Robert J. Russ loves to demolish conventional wisdom with cold, hard numbers. When reputation doesn't jive with reality, he plows tirelessly through play-by-play charts and statistical tables to separate fact from fiction. A military brat who was born in California, raised in North Carolina, and bounced between the two states through college, Russ has lived in Coastal Carolina since 1990. He owns a small pest-control business and a free fantasy football and NFL betting line website. Feel free to contact him at with questions, comments, or ideas for future articles.

1094 comments
gatrbuc17
gatrbuc17 moderator

Lions Kill Packers

Staffords_Glove
Staffords_Glove

Sweet Detroit dirtbags not letting GB on the field. Sitton was dead on

bp.
bp. moderator

Anyone know the Record for most yards in a game?

gatrbuc17
gatrbuc17 moderator

 4 turnovers? Det had Five last week.

Rourke
Rourke

Flynn couldn't catch on in Oakland or Buffalo. He isn't great.

JJ CAROL1NA PANTHERS
JJ CAROL1NA PANTHERS

 all I hear is Lions doing this and that and yet they are winning by just 7

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

that is what happens to people.

LaCWrestler
LaCWrestler

 Packers could probably set the record for least and the way Detroit is turning it over, still pull out a win somehow. 

robertj72
robertj72

Wild guess close to 700...say 714

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125 moderator

Either Brees or the GSOT owns the record. 

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125 moderator

Do you think scientists will ever find a cure for aging? 

bp.
bp. moderator

That's why we could set a record. Detroit has to keep trying because of all the mistakes.

bp.
bp. moderator

I mean teamyardage.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

I think a lot of our aging has to do with what we believe will happen to us.

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

Of course.

Its putting your conscious into a robot.