Grits, Gravy, and Gumbo: Do you even squat, bro?

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Updated: November 15, 2013

Good evening, diehards, and welcome to Water Cooler Sports’ Grits, Gravy, and Gumbo, your illicit taste of NFC South news on this Friday, November 15th, 2013.

If you’re needing some incentive to get off the sofa and go on an adventure, consider hopping a flight to Moscow. There you will find a subway that accepts . The only catch: you must perform all of the repetitions in under two minutes.

Actress Shailene Woodley celebrates 22 years of vivacity today.

Just be careful to evacuate your bowels before you perform your prescribed exercise. Once you get into the down position, your colon will be perfectly positioned to occasion you some intestinal embarrassment.

Oh, and if you happen to flatulate on the flight over the Atlantic, don’t do as one woman did and attempt to cover the odor by lighting matches. You’ll get your  – and, to add insult to injury, you’ll be booted from the plane. That’s just not cool.

Here’s something that is cool, though: a town where your visit would double the population. That would be Monowi, Nebraska, populated by just one person, Mrs. Elsie Eiler, who in the capacity of mayor pays taxes to herself, , and must produce a road plan each year to secure funding for the town’s four streetlights.

Rumor has it that the city song is “” by Eric Carmen.

If your birthday is today, you aren’t all by yourself; you’re in good company. Some important figures who were born on this date include astronomer William Herschel (1738-1822); artist Georgia O’Keefe (1887-1986); and German Field Marshal Erwin Rommel (1891-1944).

Atlanta Falcons

They haven’t yet pronounced the patient dead, but Jordan H. Hill iSportsWeb seems to think it’s time to start printing the funeral programs for the Atlanta Falcons’ 2013 season. He argues that since this campaign is a lost cause and the team is already preparing for next year, they might as well and see what they have before the difficult personnel decisions must be made.

Huh. That sounds exactly like something yours truly wrote just a couple of days ago. What’s that they say about great minds?

Speaking of learning what the Falcons have going forward, linebacker from the Reserve/Injured — Designated to Return list this week to face the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Fans will be hoping that Weatherspoon can provide the spark of inspiration that has been sadly lacking from this defense.

Atlanta Falcons defensive end Malliciah Goodman will not play this week after injuring his calf.

Meanwhile, tight end Tony Gonzalez (toe) was a and is still listed as Questionable for the game; wider receiver Harry Douglas (knee) returned to practice; and defensive end Malliciah Goodman (calf) has been downgraded to Out.

Carolina Panthers

Ask Carolina Panthers linebacker Luke Kuechly how he feels about matching up against New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski this weekend, and . He says it “will be fun for us,” reports Joseph Person of the Charlotte Observer.

Kuechly is one of the most promising young linebackers in the league right now, while Gronkowski is one of the most promising young tight ends, so this pairing is sure to draw plenty of media hype. How well the Kuech contains the Gronk could well swing the outcome of this game.

Another player who seems to feel equally confident is running back Jonathan Stewart, who claims that he’s already back in the swing of things because the “.”

Head coach Ron Rivera says that although DeAngelo Williams remains the starter, Stewart will see plenty of playing time in the rotation. This should be music to the ears of fans baffled by the inexplicable refusal of the coaching staff to properly use their talented stable of rushers the past couple of years.

In a sad note, we just learned that Mike McCormack, first president of the Carolina Panthers organization (1995-96),  at the age of 83. Team owner Jerry Richardson paid tribute to McCormack: “It is safe to say that we would probably not have a team in the Carolinas if it were not for Mike McCormack.”

San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh says that he remains confident in Colin Kaepernick, despite the quarterback’s lack of production this season.

New Orleans Saints

Fans have short memories, and they can turn on a player or coach quicker than a crowd can go from laying down palm branches to screaming, “Crucify him!”

The fan base in San Francisco may be on the verge of a revolt as 49ers quarterback , writes David Whitley of FOX Sports. After electrifying the league last year with his accuracy and scrambling ability, Kaepernick has been ineffective this season, throwing as many interceptions as touchdowns since San Francisco shellacked the Green Bay Packers in Week 1.

Now they must contend with defensive coordinator Rob Ryan’s resurrected New Orleans Saints squad, which has proven its ability to compete with any offense it’s faced. Can Kaepernick rebound from his 91-yard outing last week, or will the Alex Smith nostalgia wax even stronger?

One fly in the ointment for Ryan is that his rookie safety in the past three weeks. It’s still not clear whether he will be able to answer the bell Sunday, or how effective he will be if he does.

Atlanta Falcons linebacker Curtis Lofton is dealing with multiple leg injuries.

Fortunately for New Orleans, Malcom Jenkins and Roman Harper, both of whom have been grappling with knee injuries, were full participants in practice this week.

Tight end Benjamin Watson (concussion), linebacker Curtis Lofton (hamstring/ankle), and defensive end Akiem Hicks (back) missed practice. Tight end Jimmy Graham (foot/elbow) and defensive end Cameron Jordan were limited participants.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sometimes, when a team is up against the wall, it has to resort to trickery. And sometimes it works.

It’s worked better than expected for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the past two weeks. Their scoring is way up over their season average. They finally notched their first win of the season in Week 10. Ira Kaufman of The Tampa Tribune breaks down the ways the offensive coordinator of late.

Head coach Greg Schiano believes it’s time to get wide receiver in the offense. Jackson has only been targeted 12 times in the past two games.

That’s partly because the Bucs don’t really have many other receiving options and Jackson has been blanketed by defensive backs, but Schiano says that’s no excuse. He’s a No. 1 receiver and should produce like one.

Rick Stroud of the Tampa Bay Times reports that defensive end today and may not be able to go Sunday. If he can’t suit up against the Falcons, his reps will be distributed among other defensive linemen.

Running back Doug Martin went under the knife to repair a torn labrum today. No word on whether gangrene has set in yet, but the organization is hoping for the best.

Because it’s Shailene Woodley. In a tree.

About the author(s)

Rourke Douglas Decker covers the Green Bay Packers beat for Water Cooler Sports. He resides with his family in the Twin Cities. He can be reached for questions or comments at . Connect with .

1613 comments
Championsquare
Championsquare

Tom Brady vs Cam (Computer Thief) Newton on Monday Night Football.

Saints will then have a 2 game lead.

Rodgers Trapper Keeper
Rodgers Trapper Keeper

Should I start James Jones or James Starks today? God!!!  I can't make up my mind. 

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

Panthers may win monday. They wont have Kasey to kick the ball out of bounds that will allow Brady to get a GWD this time!

aciddragon
aciddragon

so anyone else watch Johnny Hendricks get fucked over last night 

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

Did you guys see the painting I made for Nardo this week? He paid me like I am a real artist and everything.

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq. moderator

Anyone see that the Packers offered Raji a long-term deal?

robertj72
robertj72

Those are your options? I'd go Starks...you really don't want to count on your QB this week.

aciddragon
aciddragon

 if you must start a Packer skill guy go with Jones, Stars doesn't get nearly enough carries 

Rodgers Trapper Keeper
Rodgers Trapper Keeper

 This is going to be a great game I think. I wouldn't count the Pats out. Not sure who I want to win. 

robertj72
robertj72

I second that. Also Panthers may win today. SF can put Carolina in the division lead by 7 o'clock.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

You have an article in the queue I suppose.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

And If I was getting paid for it there would be one up.

aciddragon
aciddragon

 no, no i haven't. and by a real artist do you mean he paid you a few bucks and let you crash in a loft ?

aciddragon
aciddragon

 i'm starting Tolzien, simply because he can't be any worse than Flacco at this point 

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

  then they will lose it by 11;30 monday night

robertj72
robertj72

  I do...the MAd Chemist. But I am also thinking there must be a NOR, Detroit, Chicago and GB article...which means they need to start rolling if they are going to be relevant. 

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

 LOL. No. I made a painting . He sent me a respectable sum for it. THis is not the best image. Color is a bit off.


Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq. moderator

  If the numbers were accurate (around $8M per), it's a little rich for my blood. He's a too inconsistent. 

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq. moderator

  To be fair, you have no idea what Tolzien is capable of since this is his first NFL start. The Giants pass rush is back, but their secondary is still shitty. I wouldn't start him, and he could be worse than Flacco, but he could also have a nice little day.

aciddragon
aciddragon

 has scored single digits the last 3/4 weeks and has undershot his projections in every week 

robertj72
robertj72

  He can be far, far worse!! The Flacco hate has swung to far...I get that he isn't elite and mentioned that way...but he is at worst average. Tolzien is not.

aciddragon
aciddragon

 i was starting Rodgers and Ben cause Flacco was sucking donkey dick 

AllSaintsRow
AllSaintsRow moderator

  nope, sure didnt. But I am glad they did. I dont want the Saints to get lazy.

robertj72
robertj72

  Could be...but I bet 6 weeks ago you never thought it would be this plausible that Carolina could take the division lead from your Saints. I know I didn't. 

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

  I will read it in its entirety when I can. Sometimes a lengthy article is fine.

robertj72
robertj72

  Yes...I know but I cut and cut...IT does not lend itself to being split. Read it and tell me if you don't agree.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

I'll get the Mad Chemist up in a bit

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

No, there is an area for entering key words that apply to the article. It makes the article more visible in search engines when you do. 

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

THat one is quite long. Almost 3000 words.

robertj72
robertj72

My other submission can wait until next Tuesday or Wednesday to come out...no need to crowd it on todays.

robertj72
robertj72

  I click the boxes I feel they apply to. Is that what you mean? I don't think there is a Mad Chemist box though.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

  Why don't you tag your articles when you put them together?

robertj72
robertj72

    I say next season you start with 19 articles of clothing and every win you have to remove one piece...That would be great fun for everyone.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

    It is like looking at one opf those spinning wheels that hypnotized people. I can't look away.

Rodgers Trapper Keeper
Rodgers Trapper Keeper

    HA!! I am feeling generous today. Plus I am wearing my GB avatar for luck.  We must win. I will do whatever it takes! lol 

robertj72
robertj72

   Wowzers! I am liking your avatar.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

   He is death. He is not longer bothered by his body aging, teeth yellowing or hair falling out. He took his bright white teeth from some Hollywood star who died.

robertj72
robertj72

  If death is a smoker shouldn't his teeth be yellow?

aciddragon
aciddragon

  Williams was at least playing at an elite level when they gave him his contract, who would have known that he would have gotten hurt then fall straight to shit/

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq. moderator

  Yeah. If it's really at $8M, I hope he turns them down for FA. 

Rodgers Trapper Keeper
Rodgers Trapper Keeper

  Well I would have to agree with that.  Seems like that has been a broken record with the Pack lately. Paying guys like Finley, Williams more than they are worth too imo. 

aciddragon
aciddragon

 way too much, i'd say closer to 5-6 a year.