WCS Week 4 Power Rankings: First-quarter reckoning

By
Updated: October 2, 2013

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco lies like a prolate spheroid on the turf after making yet another catastrophic mistake.

Proctologistics

Well, what do you know? We wait all summer bitching at our wives and kids, teasing animals, and starting things on fire, as the anticipation builds. We go through free agency, the draft, training camps and preseason.

Finally, we arrive at the regular season. We come bursting with hope (unless you happen to be a Jacksonville Jaguar fan). We’re so full of hope, it’s pouring out of every orifice. We head to our local sports memorabilia store and buy corks, with our favorite teams logo, and stuff them in every oozing hole, in a vain effort to stem the flow of our homer juices.

And then, as quickly as it began . . . bam!

Then the season, the same season we carried like a prolate spheroid in our man wombs for eight months, the same season we nurtured for eight months with our homer hopes, and homer dreams, calmly picks up a two-by-four and smacks us upside the head like an angry psychotic teen.

Standing over us with a maniacal grin, it announces, “I’m a quarter over, biotch!” — mocking us, like a cruel angry lover.

Well, guess what? Life isn’t fair.

I realized it was time I took a good, hard look at the sad facts, and adjusted my rankings. This time I would use cold, hard facts, science, and a splash of my hard-earned wisdom.

I had freckle charts coming out of my ass. Grabbing my slide rule, abacus, and a hammer, I worked with a feverish pitch over the past 27 minutes to bring you these chilling results.

Do you remember my rules?

  1. Winning teams cannot be jumped in the rankings.
  2. Teams on their bye hold their position.
  3. Teams shouldn’t be punished for losing to a favored team.
  4. Don’t stare at Sally’s crazy eye.

Well, I just checked with my attorney, and he told me that none of that crap would hold up in a court of law. So unless you bought the insurance I offered at the beginning of the year, you’re screwed.

You said it

RajifarianWhat the [bleep] do I have to do to get a quote in this article?

JJYou just did it.

Who’s hot

Christian Ponder’s wife, amirite?

Cleveland Browns are up an impressive 15 spots! Tennessee Titans and San Diego Chargers both jump seven spots.

Who’s Not

St. Louis Rams drop seven spots, Cincinnati Bengals plummet 10, and our Losers of the Week are the Green Bay Packers, who dropped an astounding 15 spots.

Honorable mention

The girl from 3B.

Can I get a hot tub?

On the move

Raji just took a new job, and MKE has an interview on Friday.

It’s time to rank ‘em and spank ‘em!

Week 4 Power Rankings

Ranking
(Previous)
Team Record Comments
1
(2)
Denver Broncos 4-0 They've scored 44.8 points per game, 16 touchdowns, 0 interceptions. And Peyton Manning is doing all of this without the aid of a mole.
2
(1)
Seattle Seahawks 4-0 I don't like your coach.
3
(8)
Kansas City Chiefs 4-0 I'm secretly rooting for you.
Oops!
4
(5)
New England Patriots 4-0 Looks like the fat lady tore her Achilles.
5
(7)
New Orleans Saints 4-0 I am amazed at the improvement in your defense. I hope you're not offering bounties again.
6
(10)
Indianapolis Colts 3-1 Pull my finger.
7
(12)
Detroit Lions 3-1 What a fluky season!
8
(3)
Chicago Bears 3-1 It turns out that if you shave Jay Cutler's butt and make him walk backwards, he still throws interceptions.
9
(9)
Miami Dolphins 3-1 Didn't you watch the Chicago/Detroit game?
You can't turn the ball over four times on the road and expect to win.
10
(17)
Tennessee Titans 3-1 I'm not convinced your backup is a step down from your starting quarterback.
11
(11)
San Francisco 49ers 2-2 The Headless Horseman rides again!
12
(14)
Houston Texans 2-2 Three pick-sixes in three weeks. Who's the next defensive back to rob Matt Schaub?
13
(28)
Cleveland Browns 2-2 If Brian Hoyer is the answer, I must have misread the question.
14
(4)
Cincinnati Bengals 2-2 How's Hard Knocks working out for you?
15
(22)
San Diego Chargers 2-2 I have a great deal of faith in quarterback Philip Rivers ability to remain inconsistent.
16
(13)
Baltimore Ravens 2-2 I'd probably have you winning your division if you were in the NFC East.
17
(20)
Buffalo Bills 2-2 You're better than buffalo chips. In my humble opinion.
18
(15)
Dallas Cowboys 2-2 You're the skinniest kid at fat camp.
19
(24)
Arizona Cardinals 2-2 You need to soar on the wings of Eagles. John 4:27
20
(21)
New York Jets 2-2 Take the butt fumble out of your playbook.
21
(6)
Green Bay Packers 1-2 Did your governor name the hamstring the state muscle, or something?
22
(18)
Carolina Panthers 1-2 You should consider playing offense every week.
23
(16)
Atlanta Falcons 1-3 Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Injuries suck.
So do you.
24
(26)
Washington Redskins 1-3 All of the sudden, changing your name doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
25
(29)
Minnesota Vikings 1-3 I was tempted to put you a few spots higher, but your coach still thinks Christain Ponder is your best option at quarterback.
26
(19)
St. Louis Rams 1-3 I use to think Rams were tough animals. Now, I just think it's the way you like to take it up the butt.
27
(23)
Philadelphia Eagles 1-3 You'll always have Week 1.
28
(31)
Oakland Raiders 1-3 Lane Kiffin is available.
29
(25)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-4 Greg, Rex Ryan is not the best one to get coaching advice from.
30
(27)
Pittsburgh Steelers 0-4 I don't know whether I like Poopsburgh Steelers, or Pittsburgh Stoolers better.
31
(30)
New York Giants 0-4 Eli, at this rate, you have a better chance of catching your dad than your brother.
32
(32)
Jacksonville Jaguars 0-4 Shooting for a new city, new stadium, and the No. 1 daft pick. You crafty devils!

About the author(s)

Power Ranker John Jedlicka graduated from Peotone High School, in Peotone, Illinois. He spent six years in the United States Navy as a reactor operator on a nuclear submarine, and has a degree in Nuclear Technology from Siena Heights University. John's sons are honors students in Physics, and IT, and wonder why their father wishes to compensate for his paucity of tumescent endowment by writing, pro bono, for a sports site. Feel free to contact him at with praise, ridicule, or requests for clarification. Connect with

1334 comments
MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

Gotta run.

I'll try to check in with you fart sniffers later.

adambballn
adambballn

Jacksonville is playing for the 1 Daft Pick?  New band?

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

From now on, if you want any likes from me, you'll need to go through Raji.

jwoude23 bear down
jwoude23 bear down moderator

Adam, I need advice: would you trade David Wilson for Eddie Lacy?  Looking for a 3rd RB for injury insurance behind Charles and Forte, so will only play on byes or in event of injury.

Wilson has good matchups on byes (OAK and PHI), so does Lacy (MIN and PHI)

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

Lions signed WR Kevin Ogletree.

BUCS to Lions. Upgrade? Discuss.

rocketman6969
rocketman6969

So the FCC's website currently says "We regret the disruption, but during the Federal Government-wide shutdown, the FCC is limited to performing duties that are immediately necessary for the safety of life or the protection of property. FCC online systems will not be available until further notice."

So...does this mean they won't be censoring TV and Radio? I vote that we broadcast the Ukrainian show "Naked and Funny" everyday during the shutdown.

adambballn
adambballn

LOL...

On the move

Raji just took a new job, and MKE has an interview on Friday.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

Most Ice beers taste like fuck, also.

The Real CJammin
The Real CJammin

I lied actually.  Anything with "Milwaukee" in the name is the worst.

Natesweet
Natesweet moderator

 Terrible band name. Jacksonville Sewer Trash is much better.

Raji Owns Warford
Raji Owns Warford

  

And I'm not the like slut that MIB was, so you're going to have to put forth some fucking effort 

Raji Owns Warford
Raji Owns Warford

  

That's the easiest trade ever and I'm surprised you haven't done it yet

adambballn
adambballn

 

I'd rather have Lacy than Wilson right now.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 ill trade you wilson for richardson

Childerz...
Childerz...

  I drank that shit and it gave me the beubonic plague

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

  

It's thick. More like piss flavored shit.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

   

That's good. Is it ok for me to like it?

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  Nope. This is the first you're hearing about it.

Raji Owns Warford
Raji Owns Warford

  

IT TASTES LIKE ALWAYS SAVE MADE A BEER AND THEN STRAINED IT THROUGH JAY CUTLER'S SCROTUM

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

   

I like anything Raji thinks I should like.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  You're sending mixed signals on whether or not you liked it.