Aaron Hernandez: the shocking soon-to-be-told story

By
Updated: June 23, 2013

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is under investigation with the killing of his friend. WCSN contributing writer Brock Alton peers into the future to tell us how this sad saga will turn out.

As you have undoubtedly heard by now, an arrest warrant has been issued for the arrest New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez.

Authorities are not yet accusing Hernandez of murdering Odin Lloyd, found dead near Hernandez’s home a few nights ago, but they are accusing him of destroying his cell phone and home security system, as well as having his home cleaned professionally, to obstruct the investigation into Lloyd’s death.

Travel with me now into the future, so I may show you how will end the ballad of Aaron Hernandez.

Spy games

Reports are coming in that Massachusetts State Police officers have surrounded Gillette Stadium and the two adjacent practice fields of the New England Patriots. They seek Aaron Hernandez, accused of obstruction of justice, as a person of interest to a murder investigation. Special agents for the National Security Agency (NSA) tune in from Washington, their popcorn reaching final preparations just in time for the coming fireworks.

One such Agent, Riggs, has been assigned to track every move of each and every New England Patriots player. A lifelong resident of Boston, Riggs has had a soft spot for Hernandez since he scampered for 42 yards against the Denver Broncos in the 2011 NFL playoffs. Risking career, family, and perhaps even his life, Riggs texts Hernandez and tips him off.

Aaron Hernandez, still in the Patriots locker room having an ankle taped, reads the text. He doesn’t know who it is coming from, but the clipped, authoritative tone convinces him the time for action is at hand.

He looks around. Only one other teammate is remains in the area: Tom Brady, who is sitting outside of his locker casually pushing up his cuticles. Hernandez briskly walks over to the quarterback, grabs him by his hair, and orders him to walk. With a squeak, Brady readily complies as Hernandez hauls him into a boiler room at the bottom of Gillette Stadium.

Emotions — and tears — flowed readily as New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady recounted his role in the unfortunate incident.

Real-time coverage

Luckily for all of America — nay, the world — a certain four-letter network has lodged itself permanently in the Patriot’s excretory system. An intrepid reporter for said network — let’s call her Rochelle Nickels — sees Hernandez leading Brady along, and falls in behind. When the duo settles in in the boiler room, Nickels takes out her camera and begins to shoot. The world will see the drama unfold.

Almost immediately, Brady begins to beg for his life. Hernandez tries to calm him, explaining to Brady the he was only taken because he was the nearest individual, that Hernandez has no intention of harming him, and that he simply needs a negotiation chip to secure transportation out of the area. None of these soothing words penetrate the aura of fear Brady has built up around himself.

Ten minutes later, after Brady threatens that Hernandez will have to “answer to Gisele” for approximately the twentieth time, Hernandez decides he has had enough and cuffs Brady upside the head, knocking him out cold.

An hour passes with Hernandez sitting over Brady, waiting for officer to arrive so the negotiation can begin. He jumps as a man enters through room, heavily muscled, imposing, sporting a military bearing.

The figure that emerges into the light is revealed to be fellow tight end Rob Gronkowski. Hernandez breathes a sigh of relief.

Gronk, not realizing that anything is amiss, waves and calls out “Hey, Tommy!”

When Brady doesn’t respond, Gronk looks hurt. Then Grok notices Hernandez and his smile returns. He tears off his shirt and flexes both biceps. Maintaining his pose, Gronk turns to a dusty steel boiler and admires his distorted reflection. He laughs and walks out.

The power of the pink loincloth compels you.

Tipping point

Gronk must have reported what he saw to someone gifted with a bit more insight, because after another hour a cell phone is slipped into the boiler room. Hernandez picks it up and commences negotiations with authorities. Despite several tense conversations and some seeming movement on both sides, an impasse is ultimately reached. Hernandez hangs up with a look of wild desperation.

For the first time, Nickels — and America along with her — gets the feeling this may not turn out well.

Just then, as things look grimmest, in walks America’s favorite, most despised son, Timothy Tebow. He approaches Hernandez cautiously and goes down on one knee before him. Tebow looks meaningfully into Hernandez’s eyes before bending slightly forward, arcing his neck towards his foremost thigh, placing his elbow upon that same thigh, and resting his forehead upon an upturned fist.

The power of “the Tebow” fills Hernandez. Tom Brady awakens and simpers hopefully. Tebow engages Hernandez using techniques he culled from , successfully calming him down.

After only ten minutes of the most genuine conversation Hernandez has ever had with anyone, he sees the beginning and the end, all the darkness and the light, all the beauty and the ugliness, and all the sadness and the hope of the world in Tebow’s eyes, Tebow’s heart, Tebow’s very soul.

He stands up and moves away from Brady. He walks to Tim. They hug.

The shocking conclusion

From the gloom emerges the shadowy figure of head coach Bill Belichick. The nation watches in fascination as he silently approaches Hernandez from behind, neither rushing nor permitting a moment’s hesitation.

Tebow’s eyes widen in horror. Brady’s beam with love.

Abruptly Belichick pounces. Eyes devoid of any emotion, he sinks his teeth into Hernandez’s throat, slashing it wide oven.

Hernandez slumps , bleeding out on the floor. Tebow returns to the pose bearing his regal name and prays. Brady throws himself into the arms of Belichick, bawling and laughing at once.

Nickels says a few last words into her camera and signs off, secure in the knowledge that she will a shoo-in for numerous journalistic awards.

Without skipping a beat, the four-letter network returns to coverage of the Washington Redskins training camp, where quarterback Robert Griffin III is stretching.

As the old saying goes, all’s well that ends well.

About the author(s)

Brock is a native of Wisconsin trapped in a strange land of purple. When not agonizing over the Green Bay Packers, he fantasizes about retiring to Costa Rica by age 40. He may be reached at .

438 comments
tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

I know I'm late, but this was awesome.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

Why hasn't the BBAO been posted this morning?

Communist Rockefeller
Communist Rockefeller

Is it just me or does the construction of all these humongous buildings make it seem like the Middle East is compensating for something?

Communist Rockefeller
Communist Rockefeller

Kingdom Tower is a huge skyscraper soon to be built in Saudi Arabia.  At 1000m it will be the new tallest building the world.  It will be constructed by the Bin Laden family.

G & G
G & G moderator

 Thank you

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

No pictures or anything, but the article is done.

G & G
G & G moderator

 Racist and Sexist

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

The look on his face is like "Fuck your dreamsicle ass, bitch."

niemerg1
niemerg1

 NO THEY AREN'T --Frenchman staring at the Eiffel Tower

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

  

There compensating for your short dick.

Classic Nardo
Classic Nardo

 The Burj Dubai (or whatever they renamed it) sits mostly empty.  25% of the world's tower cranes are located in one city - Dubai.  God we have to get oil independent somehow.

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

 

 I heard they're scared of people stealing all the towels so they're enacting a Taliban

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

There are bin ladens that live in the US.

niemerg1
niemerg1

 well, he has like 105 kids...shouldn't take them that long

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

  

That's been their business for a very long time.

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

   

Society has forced this man to paint himself green so he may try to assimilate into our culture. So sad. 

G & G
G & G moderator

 This was a a game at Tampa Bay

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  I don't have the ability to publish it or I would.

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

This just in dubai changed it's name to New Detroit.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

   

That probably has something to do with the open sores.

Evil Donkey
Evil Donkey moderator

I think you mean jihad. Everyone wave to the NSA

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

  

I have another of that donkey if you want to use it. I also have a lot of pug pics. Just let me know.

G & G
G & G moderator

 Hahahahah!

niemerg1
niemerg1

  i can publish it...let me log in

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

   

Yeah he was going to have me do it but never gave me the proper authority or told me how.

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

So is relying on Saudia Arabia et al. for the fundamental commodity in our economy...

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

     

ALREADY ON MY SECOND CUP. MY LIMBS ARE NUMB

MIBearFan
MIBearFan moderator

    

You should try coffee.