The rise of Cuato

By
Updated: June 5, 2013

Rumor has it that the alien entity Cuato has been surgically excised from the face of New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, but that doesn’t mean the threat has been neutralized.

Cuato Enters the NFL

Cuato, the alien entity we allege has affixed itself to the face of New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, groomed its symbiotic for greatness since birth. Recognizing the immense power in celebrity, particularly when combined with the massive popularity of the NFL, Cuato turned Brees into a champion player of Hall of Fame caliber.

How else but advanced alien DNA can one explain the rise of a man suffering from mild dwarfism, who runs a 12.3-second 40-yard dash, to the highest ranks of a sport dominated by the largest, swiftest and tallest athletes?

Is it credible to believe that a quarterback who is shorter than his own wife could win the Super Bowl?

Is it credible to believe that a quarterback who is shorter than his own wife could win the Super Bowl?

NFL and the so-called experts at every accredited university in the Western world scoff at these claims. But consider this fact: until 2011 Drew Brees had never explicitly denied that Cuato is an alien being! Dr. Rufus “Ruffy” Jenkins, author of Secret Truths, Alien Probes and Other Things Pulled Out of My Arse, has dared to accuse Brees to his face.

“So we confronted Mr. Brees,” Dr. Jenkins recalls, “and asked him, point blank, ‘Is Cuato an alien?’ The first 22 times we asked he just laughed or ignored us. But on the 23rd attempt he shoved the camera away, screaming, ‘No, dammit! It’s not an alien. Now get the hell away from me!’

“But isn’t that what a man controlled by an evil alien would say? Ask yourself, why would he get so angry at such an innocent question unless he realized his dark secret was in danger of being exposed? There is no other conclusion to make.”

There certainly is not. Dr. Rufus Jenkins has done extensive study into the symbiote known as Cuato. His colleagues will say he is discredited by the completely unscientific nature of his work. “The scientific community has recklessly thrown around the terms ‘quack’ and ‘legally retarded’ when trying to silence me. But they have no answer to the fact that I have taken second place for best peach cobbler at the county fair three years running.”

Dr. Johnson’s critics have admitted they cannot dispute this claim. Once again the naysayers backpedal in the face of truth.

Evil plan unfolds

Sources close to Brees inform this reporter that Cuato realized even its advanced intelligence could not counter the inherent ability of the San Diego Chargers and then-head coach Marty Schottenheimer to fail. Just as a soldier will sometimes inflict an injury upon himself to ensure that he will be removed from combat, so Cuato took its first chance to temporarily injure its host. The torn labrum and rotor cuff damage were thought to be career ending, but Brees was never in any true danger. Cuato remained in control of everything.

Drs. Dummkopf and Jenkins agree that the arrival of Brees and head coach Sean Payton in New Orleans was no mere coincidence. On September 30th, 2000, Sean Payton visited Penn State to scout the talent in a game against Purdue. Brees and Cuato were there quarterbacking the Boilermakers, when Cuato felt a kindred spirit. A psychic bond was forged.

“They secretly stayed in touch for six years while crafting a plan to unite their goals,” Dr. Dummkopf asserts.

In 2005, the golden opportunity presented itself.

“As everyone knows, New Orleans is a hotbed of alien activity!” points out Dr. Jenkins. “Where else will you find such a hodgepodge of bizarre and inhuman behavior? Voodoo, snake charming, patois, vampirism, insects served as entrées, unsteady gaits, masquerade balls on the streets, bizarre pets of all kinds. No one turns a head. What a better place for aliens to hide right out in the open?”

Any of these eccentricities alone would be charming and quirky. As a collection they are otherworldly.

If Mardi Gras is not evidence of extraterrestrial invasion, nothing is.

If Mardi Gras is not evidence of extraterrestrial invasion, nothing is.

“New Orleans has the highest rate of missing persons in the world. It is hard to find them when they have been eaten, bone and all by their extraterrestrial neighbors.”

Payton and Cuato’s Machiavellian plan took its first major step when Payton was named head coach of the Saints and immediately brought in his co-conspirator. Together they rocketed to the top of their professions.

“Anyone see the dramatic difference this pair wrought on the Saints,” Dr. Jenkins continues. “Payton had bounced around the NFC East with modest success. With Cuato he went to five postseasons in six years.

“As for Brees, how can you not love the guy? He’s been great! Without Payton, Brees and Cuato have a 39-39 record and a 62.5 completion percentage. When Payton is on the sidelines, Brees is 60-31 completes 69 percent of his passes.”

Unnamed sources deep within the Saints organization tell us that Cuato nearly overplayed its hand in 2009, when, knowing that even Drew Brees was not assured of winning the Super Bowl against superior teams, Cuato had Payton bring in another likeminded man, defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. Cuato knew that Williams’ lack of common decency and his willingness to ignore the rules would pave the way for Brees to win a world championship, thereby assuring Brees a future in the political arena.

As widespread publicity and NFL-imposed sanctions threatened to expose their entire plot, Payton and Cuato took swift and decisive action, demonizing Williams and subsequently firing him. In an effort to further take the heat off Payton, Brees pleaded with documentary filmmaker Sean Pamphilon to release Williams’ damning pregame speech.

Payton ended up receiving the longest suspension ever handed out by the league to a head coach. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, in the employ of Freemasons and other high-ranking secret society members, was instructed to cripple plot. Cuato surmised that if the Saints managed to win during Payton’s suspension, owner Tom Benson might be willing to fire Payton as a show of good faith.

“How else do you explain that the league’s smartest coach, a brilliant tactician, would name Steve Spagnuolo as defensive coordinator? There was no coach who could have been a worse fit for his team,” Dr. Dummkopf argues. “Naming Spagnuolo was the most brilliant move of Peyton’s career.” Appointing a man so ill equipped to handle the team in his absence not only assured Peyton of his return, it net him an extension and pay increase to boot.

“Problems are opportunities with thorns on them,” Payton and Cuato have been rumored to say while cackling with delight.

The next step

Following the Super Bowl, Cuato had the privilege to visit with one of its most prized disciples. In a stroke of grand subterfuge, the public was lead to believe that Oprah thought Cuato was nothing more than a lipstick smudge. But careful examination of the video proves she in fact embraced Brees only to pay tribute to her alien superior.

as a prelude to entering the political realm:

“Definitely, politics fascinates me, I find it very interesting. I guess, when you look at all the issues and certainly in the current economic times, at times you hate to see both parties going at each other like they do.”

There have been recent conflicting stories that the Illuminati managed to excise Cuato. Was the procedure fatal? Has the Earth been saved?

It is hard say, since Brees purposely wears headgear to hide his symbiote when in public. His agent attempts to divert suspicion by claiming it is required safety equipment for all football players, but the experts hot on Cuato’s trail will not be fooled so easily.

For now we must assume that Cuato is still at full strength and only a few years from fulfilling its master plan. Chillingly, there are others of its ilk leaching upon the faces of the next generation. Many humans will find themselves willing to follow these charismatic extraterrestrials.

When in doubt, consult the Magic 8 Ball. It is never wrong.

When in doubt, consult the Magic 8 Ball. It is never wrong.

Wake up — before it’s too late

Despite the overwhelming circumstantial evidence, the public at large refuses to acknowledge that Cuato is a parasitic alien living on Drew Brees’ face and collaborating with Sean Payton to enslave the Earth.

Since great minds disagree, we go to a completely unbiased source to ask, “Is Cuato a hostile alien hellbent on taking over the Earth, enslaving the human race, and feeding on our children?”

The reply: “It is decidely so.”

But to convince even the most ardent unbeliever, we ask again. “Signs point to yes.”

And again: “Reply hazy try again.

One last time: “Yes definitely.”

That is four levels of verification. There can be no denying the bleak future to be ushered in by Cuato and Drew Brees.

Many have said that absolutely none of this makes sense: alien symbiotes . . . Brees as overlord . . . the Saints winning a Super Bowl. It all flies in the face of common sense.

But if you were an alien race bound on achieving world domination, wouldn’t you do something so crazy the citizens would never believe it . . . until it was too late?

About the author(s)

A self-described NFL addict and "stats geek," Robert J. Russ loves to demolish conventional wisdom with cold, hard numbers. When reputation doesn't jive with reality, he plows tirelessly through play-by-play charts and statistical tables to separate fact from fiction. A military brat who was born in California, raised in North Carolina, and bounced between the two states through college, Russ has lived in Coastal Carolina since 1990. He owns a small pest-control business and a free fantasy football and NFL betting line website. Feel free to contact him at with questions, comments, or ideas for future articles.

385 comments
LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

If we are going with how to remind us of shitty past things, I am throwing mine in. Good luck getting that fucking song out of your head!

JVince 11
JVince 11

Nice picture of Jared Allen standing in front of a 1974 banner..... I didn't realize that people still gave a shit about participation ribbons.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

"If you have time, can you please post pictures of mullets?"

Here, I'll get ya started: 

JVince 11
JVince 11

I leave this place for 2 fucking days... and look at this horse shit for an article that has been published...



This article is as useful as Anne Frank's drum set...

thebaskett
thebaskett

back in 13 minutes.. have a Frazier presser to watch

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

Told Jared the mullet just looks like the barber missed a spot. "Hey, you don't build a house from the top down."

G & G
G & G moderator

Jared Allen ghost?

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

Comon Basket!  I am cheering for you to fuck it up for a third time!

natradamus
natradamus moderator

last paragraph in the 1st section- Dr Jenkins switches to Dr Johnson

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

Alien? 

A cyst was found on Packers RB DuJuan Harris' lung during a physical, but he said he should be "110 percent very soon."

natradamus
natradamus moderator

 they fucked up- does not = 100%

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

This article is as useful as Rourke's first wedding vows.

bp.
bp.

 As useful as as useless as 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 without 00110000.

JVince 11
JVince 11

This article is as useful as Michael J Fox trying to go hunting

G & G
G & G moderator

 It's useful as Alshon's P90X

bp.
bp.

 As vag to a catholic priest.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

  

It was nice while you were away.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

 It makes as much sense as Helen Keller playing Pictionary.

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

 If you have time, can you please post pictures of mullets?

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

 

This is like a song I can't get out of my head. I never want to see this picture again.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

  

Rourke would be so proud of you.

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

 A cyst went to the doctor and found he was afflicted with a DuJuan Harris and seems he is getting it removed.  Get your story straight.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

 That cyst sounds like it must be a symbiotic life form boosting Harris' performance if he is going to be at 110%.

bp.
bp.

 Just a bit of hashish.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

not sure if srs...

G & G
G & G moderator

  *Irish Mullets

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

  I didn't expect THAT!  I figured it was basket and he was going to fuck it up and delete it!

JVince 11
JVince 11

  the fuck did you just call me, dick leaf?

JVince 11
JVince 11

  damn... fuck my feelings....



JVince 11
JVince 11

  I once kicked her ass in Marco Polo.... bitch never even saw me coming..

LambeauOrWrigley
LambeauOrWrigley

  I don't think I am underestimating basket.  He might try this again.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

  I really want to ask that scientist about his transformation from normal looking , respectable scientist, to this whacked out stoner version of him that he has become.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

We've been over this!

*Gayliens

aciddragon
aciddragon moderator

 and Ryan Braun is searching as to how to get one to these cysts as we speak 

natradamus
natradamus moderator

    he didn't go to rehab, did he?

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

   I had a friend in high school who used to train with him in Sarasota. 

natradamus
natradamus moderator

   and it is a FAKE MULLET!

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

   

Why don't you go away until your done crying. We'll wait.

MIBearFan
MIBearFan

   

I wouldn't expect any less from a Viking fan.

G & G
G & G moderator

 $75K

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

 It is similar to blood doping in that it is taking your body's own fluids but I think it would be much more difficult to tell if someone has injected an almost negligible  amount more of their own adrenaline than it would be to tell that they had filled their veins with more blood than normally flows through them. So far we have heard of nobody doing what I am talking about and the anti doping commissions have said nothing of what I am talking about so I figure it has yet to happen or if it is happening it is extremely difficult to know they are doping in this way.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

That's very akin to "blood doping" which is already illegal in the cycling world.  And they have tests for that sort of thing, I believe.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

  I'm telling you. I think we are not far off from athletes having their own bio chemicals such as Endorphins extracted during the off season so that they may be injected during the regular season. I have a feeling it will be much harder to discern a person's own chemicals in comparison to the foreign stuff people are taking now.