Aliens invade the NFL

By
Updated: June 4, 2013

Not all aliens make themselves so obvious. Some take on a more subtle and insidious form.

Most scientist agree that in an infinite universe, the building blocks for life cannot be unique to the planet Earth. In the vast expanse of space there must be thousands, even hundreds of thousands, of celestial bodies teaming sentient creatures — not all of them benign.

The program has documented that alien lifeforms have visited the Earth multiple times in the past. Only people demanding the most stringent criteria — i.e., proof, logic, and common sense — doubt its theories regarding alien visitations to ancient Egyptian, Incan, and Maoi civilizations. As Doctor J. Panturo, :

I agree it is speculation to say ancient aliens built or assisted in building the ancient megalithic structures, but isn’t it not [sic] also speculation to say man built them, given that we haven’t found any ancient high tech machinery. So clearly aliens visited us centuries ago and they continue to visit us to this day.

(Doctor Panturo is not a doctor of any kind. Doctor is in fact his given name.)

They walk among us

Dr. Johann Dummkopf, who came to prominence for his doctoral dissertation, On the Origin of Alien Birthmarks, takes it a step farther, theorizing:

Extraterrestrials have been coming to Earth for millennia — for resources, for experimentation, for vacation. There have many reasons, not all of which are benevolent.

As humans learned to harness the power of the atom and travel into space, ETs could no longer risk exposing themselves in the blatant ways they approached our ancestors. They now disguise themselves by taking a human host. They attach themselves close to the brain stem, appearing as a large, hairy mole upon the visages of powerful and influential humans. Ask yourself, why have you never heard any reports of the distinguished moles on Martin Luther King, Jr. (1968), John F. Kennedy (1963), Malcolm X (1965), or Bobo the Gorilla (1968)?

Indeed, inquiries to the National Archives have returned no public admission of unreported moles on the heads or necks of these assassinated figures. Numerous calls to doctors and family who saw these people just before their deaths went unreturned. What are they trying to hide?

Dr. Dummkopf again: “Marilyn Monroe had a famous facial mole. And have you seen patchy, wild sideburns on Che Guevara? Was that just the worst facial hair in recorded history? No, it was to disguise the alien symbiote that had subsumed his soul!”

Drew Brees' right hand man OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

Cuato is New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees’ right hand man. Or is it the other way around?

“The Illuminati learned that space creatures had infiltrated their organization and were forced to assassinate high-ranking members,” reports Eugene P. Braen, the President of the Dan Brown Fan Club and professional cryptozoologist.

Aliens resurface

“With the world’s secret society aware of the alien activities, these visitors knew they could no longer suddenly appear. For the last 30 years, they have been hiding,” Dr. Dummkopf explains.

Instead of attaching to already powerful men and women, he claims, they began to attach to their hosts inside the womb. From there, they would guide their hosts on a path to greatness. Working with other experts in the field of extraterrestrial studies from around the globe, the intrepid Dr. Dummkopf believes he has found one such creature.

The large, hairy birthmark known to NFL fans as Cuato.

“Cuato is the large entity on Drew Brees’ right cheek, similar in appearance to a wooly bear caterpillar,” Dr. Dummkopf reveals. “What people innocently call hairs are in fact highly evolved antennae, absorbing and transmitting billions of signals. Cuato can gauge and detect barometric pressure, fear pheromones, brain waves, anal leakage, infrared signatures, menstrual cycles. It can even pirate Cinemax flicks.”

Experts agree that Cuato is an advanced alien lifeform, but they have failed to reach a consensus as to whether it is merely a benevolent traveler — or an advanced party heralding the invasion of a conquering race.

Nevertheless, bright minds are warning us to brace for the first. No less a luminary than renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking agrees, as you can read in a transcript from a recent :

Q: Dr. Hawking, could aliens exist?

Hawking: To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.

Q: Will the aliens be kind or destroyers?

Hawking: We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.

Q: Does this picture show an unusual looking birthmark on Drew Brees’ face?

Hawking: Yes. It would appear that way.

Now that we have exposed the existence of this entity known as Cuato, we shall explore how it has guided Drew Brees toward greatness. Check back tomorrow.

Anyone who continues to disbelieve in aliens clearly has not watched the NFL lately.

Anyone who continues to disbelieve in aliens clearly has not watched the NFL lately.

About the author(s)

A self-described NFL addict and "stats geek," Robert J. Russ loves to demolish conventional wisdom with cold, hard numbers. When reputation doesn't jive with reality, he plows tirelessly through play-by-play charts and statistical tables to separate fact from fiction. A military brat who was born in California, raised in North Carolina, and bounced between the two states through college, Russ has lived in Coastal Carolina since 1990. He owns a small pest-control business and a free fantasy football and NFL betting line website. Feel free to contact him at with questions, comments, or ideas for future articles.

742 comments
natradamus
natradamus moderator

Greg Jennings (ankle) has resumed practicing.

It's just an FYI. Jennings' OTAs ailment was never a concern despite his recent injury history.  Source: 

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

so, this is sad.

Look at Tebow's career stats compared to Russell's

Plus Russell has major attitude and work ethic issues, while Tebow does not

Yet Tebow is being banished from the NFL because of the crazy horde of Bible-thumpers following him around, while Russell might get another chance.

natradamus
natradamus moderator

I'm sure scooped-  but I am still enjoying it

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

They opened a place called 8 - 12

And kept some good food on the shelves

But 12 turned to 8

and asked him to wait

to lube up his bottom, THEN delve.

bp.
bp.

There.  Now you bears fans can masturbate and cry.

bp.
bp.

On a field for Soldiers, he came to play;

A more fitting match?  None, they'd say.

He took bullets from gunslingers.

Tamed lions by their mane.

Turned Nordic pillager away.

But along came a Colt,

With a giant, elephant brain;

Then a bearded man, unimpressive in size,

But fleet of foot all the same;

Then, one final insult, 

Delivered by a merry dancing Budda of pain.

And the coveted ring, ... so close

Remained so far away.


Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

Randall Cobb is fast

And oh those beautiful eyes

no homo for real

Doctor ϟ Professor ☧
Doctor ϟ Professor ☧ moderator

Randall Cobb is so fast

hes so fast

so fast

so fast

so so fast

...


....


where did he go?

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

I've got a funny little present for you there, Nate

bp.
bp.

 I hope sports center puts a camera on his ankle for the next 7 days.

natradamus
natradamus moderator

 isn't tebow slightly responsible for his current situation?

Rourke
Rourke

 Speaking of Russell, he is mentioned in our most recent article.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

Way to go, Woody.  Look how sad you made him!

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

  

It may currently be the funniest thing happening in the known universe.

bp.
bp.

 *tackles cock*

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

Does it have to be in that order?

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

 

"Starks was taking his turn in an organized rotation designed to determine a training camp pecking order among him, and rookies and . is also expected to join that mix, but he remains sidelined by injury."

Communist Rockefeller
Communist Rockefeller

 Maybe James Starks is just that much better.  Maybe he achieved Super Saiyan form or something.

natradamus
natradamus moderator

 I know I haven't been around much lately, but you can't make gay comments straight by adding 'no homo'


natradamus
natradamus moderator

  me too.  than at least a MN team would get coverage on sports center

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

  I think GB giving Starks another shot as #1 tailback is funnier.

bp.
bp.

 Have to?  That's strong.  Just preferably.

natradamus
natradamus moderator

  that is a great article, but if I had to pick 1 favorite sentence from it, it would be this

"He did a lot of good things and then he had a fumble the last play of no-huddle," coach Mike McCarthy said.

RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance
RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance

  his super saiyan form is what he did these previous few years

that's how bad packers OL is

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

You mean like this?

natradamus
natradamus moderator

   if suh gets a traffic violation---no, don't be too gready

natradamus
natradamus moderator

   truly a great 15 minutes for me.

Preparation_A
Preparation_A

    

Bah! Starks is a Super Bowl champion.

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

     

Tears and grease from the bucket of KFC I just gorged myself on 

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

Yes, but that usually results in a $75K fine.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

...because he wanted to start a minaj a trois

(I'm sorry...)