Minnesota Morals: patience

By
Updated: May 6, 2013

The Minnesota Vikings allowed their impatience to get the better of them when they traded for running back Herschel Walker, and it blew up in their face.

If there is one thing you can learn from the endless torture of being a Minnesota Vikings fan, it’s the virtue of patience.

After all, this organization has ample experience with the horrible consequences of not being patient.

Haste makes waste

Minnesota had enjoyed success in the 1980s and seemed to be only a running back away from the Super Bowl. In 1989, they threw caution to the winds, deciding to trade three first-round picks and a total of five second- and third-round draft picks — along with five current players — to the Dallas Cowboys in exchange for Herschel Walker. Much to the team’s dismay, Walker turned out to be a bust.

He was cut in 1992.

Meanwhile, Dallas used those extra picks to trade up in the 1989 NFL Draft and select Emmitt Smith, who would go on to become the most productive running back of all time.

They became the dynasty of the 1990s.

Looking for love

Now, of course, Minnesota has a great running back in Adrian Peterson, but they are left searching for a true franchise quarterback.

Their first foray into this brave new world was to pick up quarterback Brett Favre. Despite all of cruel torment he had inflicted on Vikings fans with his fourth-quarter comebacks and other shenanigans while playing for Green Bay, the Minnesota fan base was still able to forgive Favre for all of his sins as soon as he had a chance help their team win. And for a year, he did just that.

Experiencing the other side of “Favre Magic” was an interesting feeling. I can only compare it to dating the ex-girlfriend of a “frienemy.” (That’s what the kids are calling it these days, right?) You enjoy the relationship, and you know the “frienemy” never truly deserved the girl, but you still feel guilty and uneasy about the whole affair. You keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Brett Favre’s first season as the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback was a resounding success.

And of course, it always does.

The second season of the Favre experiment was that other shoe. It started to become obvious that the girlfriend wasn’t over her previous love. Those annoying little flaws and faults that triggered the first breakup started to resurface. First it was the thoughtless but biting comments. Then it was the embarrassing on the internet. It wasn’t long before everyone realized the relationship was doomed and that both parties were better off letting it go.

On the rebound

After breaking up with Favre, the Vikings were determined to find a franchise quarterback in the 2011 draft. After Blaine Gabbert came off the board, Minnesota had their pick of Andy Dalton, Colin Kaepernick, and Christian Ponder. Like a jilted lover on a rebound, they fell for Ponder. I still can’t figure out why they didn’t just wait till the second round to pick him up.

Ponder’s rookie season was predictably rough, but he did show quite a bit of improvement last year. Unfortunately, his effectiveness was limited by the dearth of available receiving talent to complement his skills. So they traded Percy Harvin to the Seattle Seahawks in exchange for an extra first-round pick this year. Then they brought in free agent receiver Greg Jennings. To top it off, they traded back into the first round to select Cordarrelle Patterson out of Tennessee.

No longer will Vikings fans have to wait and see if Minnesota was too quick to draft a quarterback. This year, one way or the other, the truth will become obvious.

Money problems

Now if only on-field performance were the only thing Vikings fans have to worry about. They also have to worry about where their team is going to play.

The sticky stadium issue has plagued this organization for the last decade. It only took the sale of the team to new owner, the expiration of the lease on the outdated stadium, a showdown between the branches of state government and major political parties, and a special visit from the NFL commissioner himself for the process to work itself out.

Under the threat of yet another Minnesota sports franchise relocating to Los Angeles, the state finally reached an agreement with the Vikings last year.

But was the project in the clear at last?

Of course not.

Now we’re finding out that receipts from electronic pulltabs, which the gambling industry promised would provide $37 million in funding for the stadium, are in reality providing about 10 percent of that. Bills have been proposed in the state senate that would further delay construction until a new funding source can be obtained.

The legislature is left with two choices: Simply say “screw it” and continue to rely on this uncertain source of revenue, or test the patience of Vikings fans and owner Zygi Wilf as they get embroiled in yet another debate over public funding of the new facility.

I know that patience is a virtue, but must we wait forever?

About the author(s)

Nathan Salaam puts his sarcastic sense of humor to work as the satire columnist for Water Cooler Sports Network. He grew up in South Central Minnesota and is a lifelong Minnesota Vikings fan. He considers the Vikings to be the perfect fit for a man of his sardonic streak. Contact him at with questions, comments, suggestions for future humor pieces, or appearance requests at your local comedy club.

470 comments
G & G
G & G moderator

Hey Robert:

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Damn. This article makes the Cubs organization seem somewhat competent in comparison.

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morals? goddammit. I came here to make elaborate and not-so-elaborate dick jokes.

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None of these people are Alison Brie or Jennifer Lawrence, or the two of them learning about each others' bodies.

robertj72
robertj72

There ya go...Suck it Ellen Page!

Childerz...
Childerz...

  The Cubs literally ruined the best pitchers they EVER had and their only hopes of going any where... the Cubs are cursed with the suck 

JVince 11
JVince 11

 lol... no it doesn't.... nothing can do that...

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Right. How does this article make the Vikings seem even kind of different than that?

robertj72
robertj72

  That is why I have always found super cute to trump beautiful in women...cute lasts twice as long as super model hot...Goldi Hawn still looked doable at near 60.

Childerz...
Childerz...

 I don't care about the Future... its about the now.... I plan on being dead by 45 so I won't even live to see it fall apart. 

robertj72
robertj72

  She does zero for me as well. Her face seems off to me and her body looks like it will become sloppy earlier than most women's does.

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I said I was mildly ashamed. Although I will defend my not caring about abs. To me, washboard abs are for men. I don't really want to see ab definition on a chick.

G & G
G & G moderator

 Mr Prep here Jessica Biel

Childerz...
Childerz...

 Then you sir do not appreciate good tits, fantastic fucking Abs and one of the most amazing asses in Hollywood. I feel I need to take your man card. 

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She doesn't do it for me. No idea why. I am sort of ashamed of that fact. Probably the whole 7th heaven thing.

robertj72
robertj72

  The girl in the poster does look good!

G & G
G & G moderator

 I Forgot something, look above again

robertj72
robertj72

  I'd still do the chicken of the sea girl..her name escapes me...even with the extra weight she is doable.

G & G
G & G moderator

 

"Well.... She's hotter than Emma Watson"

SDL

andylet445
andylet445

  britney spears has been so used but she's kind of like the pamela anderson of our younger years, you know she has hepatitis but you still probably would

Childerz...
Childerz...

 Fact- if you fancy someone you will never find a bad pic of them.. Fact #2 if you don't- you will never find a good pic. 

robertj72
robertj72

    Plus you can find hundreds of bad Page pics...but Coleman is adorable every time.

Childerz...
Childerz...

 Not going to lie Britney Spears still does it for me.... I thinks its do to muscle memory from when I was 15


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In fairness, that was poor planing. His mutant-like rate of vaginal hypergrowth was pretty apparent to even the casual observer. 

Childerz...
Childerz...

 .... Too bad Percy Harvin's Vagina grew 3x's faster than we had planned...... Run Joe Webb, Peterson and Harvin in read option would've fucked alot of teams up... Alas we decided having Joe Webb PASS was a good idea. 

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True. Can't fault him for being put in a position he had no business being put in. Too bad Vikings didn't get better at the read option before that game...

Childerz...
Childerz...

 no the Joe Webb experiment.. its hard to be mad when Joe is that bad. 

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And by that I assume you mean the following week...

Childerz...
Childerz...

 As a Viking Fan.... I couldn't even be mad,... I just sat back and smiled while watching one of the greatest train wrecks in football take place. 

Childerz...
Childerz...

 fuck... I always thought that dog was my mother.... YOU HAVE LIED TO ME FATHER!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kenny Fucking Powers, Bitch!
Kenny Fucking Powers, Bitch!

  That toss up from web with 3 guys chasing him, god that puts the biggest smile on my face EVERY TIME!

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True. Your dad did when he made that fateful decision to nut in your mom rather than on the dog like he normally did.

Childerz...
Childerz...

 I didn't start shit... jerk face

and yes that is TALKING DICK FACE TO YOU GOOD DAY SIR! 

Childerz...
Childerz...

 to be fair... when your QB proceeds to over throw a wide open receiver by 50 yards then underthrows the same route by 40 and then sacks himself .... its not a good deal 

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Yeah, let's not go dancing the "fuck you polka" just because the Pack was able to fucksauce Joe Webb's butt circus. We were fortunate that Ponder's injury gave the Packers a bye that week.

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You've ruined three generations of fans.

Childerz...
Childerz...

 we haven't necessarily ruined anyone.... and we're not that cursed.