Why Marc Trestman needs to get a mustache — now

By
Updated: March 7, 2013
Want to see a Super Bowl title for Chicago? Sign the petition to make a Marc Trestman mustache happen!

Want to see a Super Bowl title for Chicago? to make a Marc Trestman mustache happen!

A glorious tradition

Marc Trestman is destined for failure as head coach of the Chicago Bears unless he gets his act together right now and does exactly what I say.

We the fans need to band together and make this Marc Trestman mustache happen — immediately

Don’t believe me? Just look at history. Every Chicago coach who has led his team to a championship in the last 50 years has had a mustache. Let’s take a moment to look at each of these wonderful coaches and their delightful lip-ticklers.

Joel Quenneville has a big, bushy 'stache and a Stanley Cup.

Joel Quenneville has a big, bushy ‘stache and a Stanley Cup.

Joel Quenneville

We begin with our most recent champion, the man who led the Chicago Blackhawks to the Stanley Cup in 2010. Quenneville’s mustache, which is so awesome it has , is clearly the source of all his powers. Shoot, I shouldn’t have said that. Now opposing fans are going to shave it off in a desperate attempt to slow the Blackhawks down.

Ozzie Guillen had success with facial hair, and failure without it.

Ozzie Guillen had success with facial hair — and failure without it.

Ozzie Guillen

Outspoken White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen guided his club to a 2005 World Series championship, sporting a wonderful goatee (which includes a mustache) along the way. In 2011, Guillen became the manager for the Miami Marlins, where he and was fired after only one season. Coincidence? I think not.

Phil Jackson

Legendary Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson replaced the in 1990, and went on to maximize Chicago’s talent, winning six championships in eight years. when he got fired, Marc, and now you’ve been hired to replace him. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

Mike Ditka

Finally, we end with da man, da legend, da coach, Mike Ditka himself. Another mustachioed Chicago coach, another Chicago championship (and another mustache important enough to have ). Ditka was the last man to win a Super Bowl in Chicago. Does anyone really believe that was merely an accident of fate?

Phil Jackson has more NBA championships than any coach, and also a manly mustache.

Phil Jackson has more NBA championships than any coach. He also a manly mustache.

Get the ‘stache, Marc

Are you seeing a pattern here, Marc? No coach in Chicago is going to win without a mustache. You currently do not have a mustache. This must change, and it must change now. Having a mustache , but not having one does guarantee failure.

If you are a Chicago fan and want to see the Bears win a Super Bowl soon, then . If you harbor even the slightest goodwill toward the Bears, sign the petition now. Maybe our voice will be enough to convince our fearless leader to grow a glorious ‘stache.

If that fails, we can always steal his razors, right?

Want to win like da coach? Grow da 'stache.

Want to win like Da Coach? Grow da ‘stache.

About the author

Jon Vander Woude enjoys writing in-depth analytical articles that examine statistical trends in the NFL offseason. He also covers the Chicago Bears beat for Water Cooler Sports. Despite growing up in Michigan, California, and Miami, he had the good fortune to be reared by a father who grew up in Chicago raised him to root for the Bears, Bulls, and Cubs. Feel free to write him at with any questions, comments, or suggestions for future columns. Connect with

546 comments
jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator

have we discussed that the Lions are giving Louis Delmas a physical today?

___bp___
___bp___ like.author.displayName 1 Like

 LKP tried to make it happen, but then the internet collectively yawned and things moved on to rhino gifs and the like.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

Yes, the turning his head and coughing part was a little awkward because Stafford kept volunteering.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

LOL (pulled this from the 100 dumbest things said in sports article posted earlier)

“Aw, how could he lose the ball in the sun? He’s from Mexico.” 

-- Former Cubs announcer Harry Caray on Jorge Orta  of a fly ball.

Oh Harry Caray, you drunk racist bastard, you.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator like.author.displayName 1 Like

Well, they ARE the people of the sun, aren't they?

Borderline Football Brilliant
Borderline Football Brilliant

OK. Hurry up. I only have a few minutes. What did I miss?

___bp___
___bp___ like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

 Well, your sister came by and flashed all of us.  So that was cool.

Borderline Football Brilliant
Borderline Football Brilliant

   

You obviously don't know my sisters. "Cool" is not a word you would use if she flashed you.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  You obviously don't know how much they like to be flashed.

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator like.author.displayName 1 Like

The rumor floating around is that Urlacher's agent is seeking a 2-year, $10M deal.  I can't find a source for it, but this is supposedly the rumor from Chicago radio.  


WTF?  Half that.

Bro Montana
Bro Montana like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

 My evil plan for the Bears is working.

  1. Pay Urlacher way too much
  2. Draft Te'o
  3. Continue to draft shit players for the offensive line
  4. ?????
  5. Profit (for Packers fans)

Hoppalong Cassady
Hoppalong Cassady like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

  Don't forget ignore Oline

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator like.author.displayName 1 Like

     They are all actually Lions and Packers fans, I think.

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent

    

Don't they belong to some sort of scouting group?

They should ask for a refund.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

   They didn't ignore it, they just suck at it. Carimi, Chris Spencer, etc.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

I hope they bought him dinner first...

ESPN Chicago reports the Bears have "explored" free agent OG Brandon Moore.

Hoppalong Cassady
Hoppalong Cassady

 He had a very good season last year. Sanchez ran into his butt and fumbled on Thanskgiving. Play of the year

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  He's a little older, but he's not actually a bad player. He can't be worse than than the crap sandwiches they've been starting.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  Good point. I want them to be smart, cheap moves.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

  Considering the Bears are currently in cap purgatory, I think they make cheap moves.

Hoppalong Cassady
Hoppalong Cassady

  Louiz Vazquez and Levitre are better younger options but Moore is probably cheaper and nearly as good

SDL
SDL

Guess I have to 

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent like.author.displayName 1 Like

  

You have to do everything around here.

SDL
SDL like.author.displayName 1 Like

... and I'm old and tired, too


BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator like.author.displayName 1 Like

    It's either that or stinky hippies. 

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent

     

I don't necessarily dislike it, but I wouldn't want to smell like it.

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

    I actually like the smell of patchouli.

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent like.author.displayName 1 Like

     

Yeah I guess. It was fun. Lots of marijuana and patchouli in the air

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent

    

Nope, I'm not really big into it, but I like it. This was the Yonder Mountain String Band

BearsSaveLives
BearsSaveLives moderator

   Bluegrass? Ever heard of the Steeldrivers?

Draji, the D is silent
Draji, the D is silent

    

I was most of the day yesterday.

Went to a bluegrass concert Wednesday.

Bro Montana
Bro Montana like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

  Sucker. I'm still in bed.

And I'm hung over.