A More Perfect Union

By
Updated: February 14, 2013
WCSN columnist Robert J. Russ says it's time that fans band together under a Constitution of Fanhood.

WCSN columnist Robert J. Russ says it’s time that fans band together under a Constitution of Fanhood.

Postseason blues

The offseason is upon us. Some of us are in the throes of withdrawal already, craving our football fix. Unless we are Baltimore Ravens fans, we are having to deal with the sobering reality that we overestimated our teams.

Is this really what being a fan is all about?

Is this really what being a fan is all about?

What is a fan to do? There won’t be any meaningful football coverage for months yet.

Sure, we can wrangle over mock drafts and pontificate over free agent acquisitions. We can rail against the front offices of our favorite teams for missing the key pieces to the puzzle and not knowing as much as we do. We can even immerse ourselves in the excitement of March Madness — for a couple of weekends at least.

Why not try something nobler?

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably noticed that we live in a society lacking in basic decency. I think we should do something about that and put this downtime to good use.

To that end, I am proposing the following draft of a Constitution of Fandom. Give it a gander and tell me what you think.

Constitution of Fandom

Article 1

Section 1

A person shall choose one, and only one, team and remain a loyal fan for life.

Section 2

No fan shall change his team allegiances except under the following conditions:

  1. He chose his team or was indoctrinated to root for that team prior to the age of 14; or
  2. He is under the age of 21 and meets all of the following criteria:
    1. He owns no jerseys, autographs, or other memorabilia pertaining to his current team;
    2. His family is not heavily emotionally invested in said team; and
    3. He has not attended more than one home game of said team.
  3. His team violates what we shall term the Colts/Bartman Rule, departing its home city in an unbecoming manner or the city/team unjustly mistreats him. However, no fan shall avail himself of this exception more than once.

Section 3

Moral turpitude shall constitute a valid defense for suspending support for one’s team. Every fan shall retain freedom of conscience to determine for himself when such line has been crossed.

Maybe I'll take my talents to South Beach?

Maybe I’ll take my talents to South Beach?

A fan who determines that he in a state of distress shall not change team allegiances; however, he has the right to root vocally against the team or member thereof who has committed the breach of decency.

For the purposes of this section, moral turpitude may consist of, but is not limited to, the following actions: acquisition of a hated player; lying; violations of trust; and commission of violent crimes such as murder, rape, or assault.

Any fan espousing allegiance to the Oakland Raiders or New Orleans Saints shall forfeit the protections of this section.

Article 2

Section 1

Any person who changes team affiliation merely because his team has a poor record or trades away or otherwise loses his favorite player shall be relegated to the dregs of fandom. No penance or self-abasement will expunge the stain from his name. No true fan (as defined by Section 1) will offer him a token of acceptance or inclusion in any celebration of team achievements. He shall be accorded no respect at any function and is subject to perpetual ridicule and shame.

Section 2

Any person who proves inconsistant or turns traitor to his team forfeits his claim to personhood and is subject to non-lethal punishment at the hands of loyal fans, up to and including pelting with rotten vegetables or animal excrement; humiliating pranks (including, but not limited to, unsolicited subscriptions to services or periodicals of a compromising nature); ostracism; and banishment.

There is no limit to the depths to which passionate fans will abase themselves for their favorite teams.

There is no limit to the depths to which passionate fans will abase themselves for their favorite teams.

Article 3

Tailgating shall be of a frivolous and fun-loving nature. Tailgaters shall at all times and to the best of their ability welcome fellow fans into their revelries, and said fellow fans will reciprocate the welcome. Tailgate parties shall be declared sacred ground on which all feuds shall be suspended. Discussions of real-world problems are unlawful.

Article 4

It shall be unlawful for a fan to wear the jersey of a player on any other team except under the follow circumstances:

  1. He is fulfilling the provisions of a wager made with a fan of a rival team;
  2. He is in a state of destitution after a natural disaster;
  3. Wearing the garment will facilitate copulation with an attractive mate;
  4. The player used to play for the fan’s team and has not:
    1. beaten the fan’s team in the playoffs;
    2. insulted his former team or city after leaving; or
    3. played for his current team or attained greater statistical achievements than he did with the fan’s team.

Time for talk

This is just a start of what I hope will become a grander manifesto. It is by no means an exhaustive list, nor have these provisions been codified. Nevertheless, it is high time that we, the enlightened and dedicated denizens of NFL fandom, call a constitutional convention, assemble together, and open a dialogue. Let us, as George Washington might say, raise a standard of decorum to which the wise and honest can repair so that we can form a more perfect union.

About the author

A self-described NFL addict and "stats geek," Robert J. Russ loves to demolish conventional wisdom with cold, hard numbers. When reputation doesn't jive with reality, he plows tirelessly through play-by-play charts and statistical tables to separate fact from fiction. A military brat who was born in California, raised in North Carolina, and bounced between the two states through college, Russ has lived in Coastal Carolina since 1990. He owns a small pest-control business and a free fantasy football and NFL betting line website. Feel free to contact him at with questions, comments, or ideas for future articles.

350 comments
andylet445
andylet445

LOL Moral of the story is pay your web designer.


Childerz..
Childerz..

we are having to deal with the sobering reality that we overestimated our teams.

.

Thank God i am a Viking fan. 

andylet445
andylet445

server go down this lovely morning?

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator


I'm curious to see what happens with Cutler this year.  How good can he be?

Aciddragon
Aciddragon moderator

 about the same as last year, that is who he is. all the coaching in the world can't fix it 

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

damn..i have my google + linked to my author account but no picture shows yet >.<

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator

 it will, just give it time

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

  

no i just saw the Gravatar thing in the email...but when i log in it says it doesnt exist. so i created an account...but idk what to do now.

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator

  beats me.  I just followed instructions like a month ago

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

arrggh!  Get home from nice Valentine's dinner, start kissing my wife, then have explosive diarrhea due to said dinner.  By the time it's passed, my wife is in bed and too tired.  DAMN

Childerz..
Childerz..

 uuuummmmm idk about you but if I spent time shooting shit out of my ass all chances of sex would be gone in a heart beat.. 

Bro Montana
Bro Montana

 If it makes you feel any better, my girl is on her period. 

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator

  she's not bleeding out of her mouth, is she?

jwoude23 Bear Down
jwoude23 Bear Down moderator

  might I recommend the birth control so she only gets it every 3 months.  My wife is on that, and that's pretty great

Joedirte
Joedirte

 You should have had her give you a Blumkin

Joedirte
Joedirte

 

Well when you got a horny wife

and you have a dookie life     Diarrhea Diarrhea

Joedirte
Joedirte

So Reggie with the Saints needing to free up some cap room for a pass rusher and a monster NT and future Cap room for Jimmy Graham who do you see as the Cap Casualties this offseason

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

 Smith, Vilma, Harper.

Those three put us well under the cap. I love Vilma and Smith, but their cost is way too much. Harper is a better OLBer than a SS lol.

then throw in Will Herring's monster contract on top of that and all you gotta do is restructure a few minor players here and there and let a  couple depth guys go and we should be golden.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  So No Bushrod?

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

  

oh. idk. id love to have him back. it just depends on how much money we can actually free up and how much he wants.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  I know that I mean you wont be resigning him

Joedirte
Joedirte

Anyone here

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

 


i am. just finished my rough draft article.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Well how in depth have you got it

Joedirte
Joedirte

   Ok lol I thought you were writing about the draft...... The rough draft part threw me off my bad

ReggiesNoJackpondavre
ReggiesNoJackpondavre moderator

  


1700 words

its on my Great Grandfather.


i just have some dates i gotten check and such...and proof-read lol

Joedirte
Joedirte

I also think we should look into bring back Michael Boley into the fold. He can at least cover the pass well unlike Stephen Nicholas

Joedirte
Joedirte

The Falcons have gotta cut Dunta Robinson or restructure his contract to go along with releasing Turner and I'm beginning to think Babineaux needs to go too because at his price tag he gets pushed back too much too.

Joedirte
Joedirte

But Matt Ryan needs to restructure his contract and take less money so we can free up more cap room he is currently taking up 12 million

Prit
Prit

 You know were only gonna add to that.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  They probably will make it a back loaded deal

Joedirte
Joedirte

The Guys I want is Richard Seymore, Leodis McKelvin, and draft Margus Hunt and keep Sidbury and give him a chance to actually play.....he has never had a chance to play

Prit
Prit

 Seymore? Isn't he like 33?

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Seymore probably will get 2-4 million a season depending on what the market determines

Prit
Prit

  A 1-3yr deal for what 3 -4 a year?

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Yea and he still plays at a high level and can stuff the run, hes a UGA guy and knows Dimitroff from their NE days

Prit
Prit like.author.displayName 1 Like

 I got no complaints on babs. But if we can get just as good production I'm for it, but is Jerry that guy? I say no... Peters has his side.

Joedirte
Joedirte

   Jerry should be gone but his Salary is only around a million but he did take out Abraham

robertj72
robertj72

Grimes is a top 15 CB...they should do what they can to retain him!

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Well if we can get Grimes for 3 years at 18 million then Id be for that anything above that we can allow him to leave. But I think we should go after Leodis McKelvin to add some depth and a good returner.....Plus hes from Waycross

robertj72
robertj72

  Someone will outbid you for McKelvin...TB has the money for him.

Prit
Prit

Black Sheep is on, sweet...

robertj72
robertj72

What happened to a ton of the convo that went on earlier? Am I just not seeing it or did it disappear?

Prit
Prit

  what convo...

Prit
Prit

  Just lag I guess. It's there then like 20 post from joe and I about whores and housewives...

robertj72
robertj72

  Nor is the WCSN Glide pic and my asking someone to photoshop a "Hard Knox Back Brace" for the guy that had a really rough day at work.

robertj72
robertj72

  I asked about GWTW and you said don't make fun of it then I asked why did she kill the horse just because it was dark at night. It isn't showing anymore on my screen.

Joedirte
Joedirte

   Some people have to go beddie bye aka have sex

Prit
Prit

Kill Whitey!!! haha classic...

Joedirte
Joedirte

 Scarlett was a ho though

Prit
Prit

  Ahead of her time...

Joedirte
Joedirte

  She probably will after she run through Kory money

Prit
Prit

  Surprised she didn't go after a cowboy, she likes riding em...

Prit
Prit

  She climbed up a crappy ladder, but is finally on top...

Joedirte
Joedirte

   But she probably has to still earn it like going ass to mouth

Prit
Prit

  That I could believe.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  And she still took it.....How you think she got her money from taking it from other dudes

Joedirte
Joedirte

  She gonna take all his money like Kris Bensons, Jeff Bagwell and Michael Strahans wives all did

Prit
Prit

  Thought ole girl had more money than chad.

Joedirte
Joedirte

   I dont either because I mostly watch sports or Adult Swim but man he should know any reality bitch is a golddiger ask Chad Ochiocinco

Prit
Prit

  And I've honestly never watched a full episode of American Idol, Survivor, talent they got, or any of those reality shows... To be real, it's all some fake bullshit to me...

Joedirte
Joedirte

  I cant believe Bierman married one of them hoes

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Yea cause now on Real Housewives of Atlanta we have several whores socialites instead of just one in Atlanta lol

robertj72
robertj72

What you aren't watching Gone With The Wind?

Prit
Prit

  ... Don't hate on Gone with the Wind...

Prit
Prit

  Because the script said to? Don't ask me those type of questions...

robertj72
robertj72

  Why exactly did she beat a horse to death just because it was dark outside?