Puppy Bowl Primer: Introducing the Cub Conference

By
Updated: February 1, 2013

Before the puppies of the Cub Conference take to the field for the 2013 Puppy Bowl, the crack WCSN investigative team brings you the inside scoop.

Kickoff of the 2013 Puppy Bowl is fast approaching, and it’s time we met this year’s contenders! We sent our investigative reporters Patrick Bates, Adam Benoist, and John Jedlicka into the field to uncover all the juicy details about these canine competitors.

Yesterday we introduced you to the puppies of the Whelp Conference. Today we get acquainted with the courageous contenders of the Cub Conference.

Cub Conference

Harry

Harry

Breed(s): Chocolate Dachshund Smooth

Sex: Male

Age: 12 weeks

Harry “Chocolate” Jones doesn’t get his nickname from his breed. Oh, no! This bad boy loves to leave sticky brown piles all over the playing field. Built more for agility than speed, Harry confesses, “Growing up, all the other dogs use to tease me about my short legs, and they told me I could never play at this level. Well, who smells like my poop now, bitch?”

JennyJenny

Breed(s): Pit bull/hound mix

Sex: Female

Age: 13 weeks

Unlike her brother Gunther, Jenny is all hound. Growing up, she learned early that “tight beats bite” every time. Jenny plays distracter on defense. In Puppy bowl VIII, Jenny earned MVP honors, and the “P” doesn’t stand for players. In her own words, “Wait until those bastards get a whiff of me.”

JuniperJuniper

Breed(s): Great Pyrenees

Sex: Female

Age: 12 weeks

Juniper, or “Junny,” is also aptly nicknamed “Endgame.” Don’t let her cute name fool you, though — this crazy little bitch is all business! Having grown up in the mountains of southwest Europe, this hot chiquita has amazing stamina and a motor that just won’t quit. Coach Spot Redbone said, “We’re expecting big things from Endgame. When you see a white blur in the fourth quarter, there’s no need to put down your Catnip; it’s just Junny doing what she does best.”

KodaKoda

Breed(s): Catahoula Cur/Boston Terrier mix

Sex: Male

Age: 4 months

“Krazy Legs” Koda was born with three testicles, which goes a long way towards explaining his aggressive style of play. According to Koda, “When I was born, the vet told me I could either get active in sports or expect a lifetime of frustration. I chose football over blue balls, if you get my drift”. When you get sacked by Koda, you’ll know it!

LennyLenny

Breed(s): Catahoula Leopard Dog mix

Sex: Male

Age: 12 weeks

Lenny, or “the Mauler” as he’s best known, grew up on the south side of Chicago fighting for scraps of Polish sausage and deep-dish pizza. “I took up football because I love to mix it up, and I figured, heck, if they’re going to pay me to knock the snot out of other pups, why not?” Lenny is colorblind, but has never used that as an excuse.

Agatha

Agatha

Breed(s): Miniature Pinscher

Sex: Female

Age: 9 weeks

Nicknamed “The Punisher,” Agatha grew up dreaming of breaking free of her humble beginnings and playing in the big leagues. During her brief stint in the Canadian Puppy Bowl League, she proved herself capable of joining the big dogs with dominating performances on the Montreal GoodBoys, and the Ontario BoneDiggers. ProPuppyballFocus calls her “the best dry-humper in the game.”

MartaMarta

Breed(s): Schnauzer/Beagle mix

Sex: Female

Age: 10 weeks

If you ever needed proof of the expression, “It isn’t the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog”, Marta “The Marauder” is it. As she tells the tail, “My mother called me little . . . once!” This is one badass bitch. Look for Marta to pound some puppy paw.

MasqueradeMasquerade

Breed(s): Catahoula Leopard dog mix

Sex: Female

Age: 13 weeks

Masquerade, aka “Crazy Eyes,” hales from New Orleans’ famed French quarter. She holds the Mardi Gras record for most beads in breed, but as she likes to say, “It ain’t hard when you have eight tits.”  She’s a natural at quarterback, because — let’s face it — defenders have a hard time reading her eyes.

Nala

Nala

Breed(s): Japanese Chin

Sex: Female

Age: 8 weeks

Nala “The Ninja” might look like a cute Japanese Chin, but don’t let her crazy hair fool you. She’s as crafty as they come. Her signature move is gnawing on opponents’ ankles until her teammates catch up. Nala is leading the league in yards dragged after tackle, but once she tastes bone, she just won’t quit.

PearlPearl

Breed(s): Australian Catahoula Cur/Labrador Retriever mix

Sex: Female

Age: 9 weeks

Pearl “The Swirl” is an elusive runner. Growing up in the Appalachian Mountains, she had to be. It paid off, though, because at nine weeks of age, she is oldest female virgin in her clan. According to Coach G. Spot, “Swirl Girl got some moves now!”

ShadowShadow

Breed(s): Catahoula Cur/Labrador Retriever mix

Sex: Male

Age: 9 weeks

As dark and mysterious as his name suggests, Shadow remains an enigma. Little is known about his early life. Rumor has it Manti Te’o was once his owner, but nobody has been able to verify the veracity of the claim. Shadow plays defense like nobody’s business. Using his patented “low growl formation,” Shadow manages to keep offenders at bay by force of intimidation alone. In a rare one-on-one interview with Dan Patrick this month, Shadow confessed that despite his shy nature, he really just likes to hit the clubs and party.

SimbaSimba

Breed(s): Japanese Chin

Sex: Male

Age: 8 weeks

The Asian sensation, Simba has taken the world by storm these past couple of months. Born on the slopes of Mt. Fuji to a bitch of unknown origins, Simba is said to have watched his father die at the hands of his uncle in a wild wildebeest stampede, forcing him to retreat to the jungle with a wild boar and a meerkat. Actually, that might just be the plot of the Lion King; we’re looking into it. We do know that Simba is a lightning quick attacker, light on his feet, and is not intimidated by larger dogs. Look for Simba to be the breakout performer in this year’s Puppy Bowl!

TrinkaTrinka

Breed(s): Schnauzer/Beagle mix

Sex: Female

Age: 10 weeks

Don’t let her adorable face and ridiculously cute stare fool you. Trinka is a cold-blooded killer. Bred to fight bears by meth-head Canadians, Trinka is no stranger to hardship. Trinka is said to have destroyed an entire Canadian village with one fell bark. Ever heard of Winitonatakatasburg, Ontario? Of course you haven’t, because it’s gone!

After fleeing to the States to avoid the Canadian Mounties, Trinka found a new outlet for her blood lust in the Puppy Bowl League. Trinka’s ferocity on the field is matched only by her cuddliness in bed. She attacks without mercy, dominating offenses with her powerful style of play and destroying defenses after lulling them into a false sense of security with an imploring gaze. Watch out for this tiny ball of vengeance!

Copper

Copper

Breed(s): Dachshund/English pit bull mix

Sex: Male

Age: 9 weeks

Don’t let his cuteness and small stature confuse you; Cooper is a feisty competitor and  is considered by many to be the MVP favorite in this year’s game.  Cooper was a standout performer at the Puppy Bowl power house University of Doglando, where he was the 2012 winner of the prestigious Fetchman’s Trophy.

Puppy Bowl Pandemonium

So who among these ranks will rise above the rest to be named Puppy Bowl MVP? Only time will tell. Until then, visit your local shelter, walk your dog, dangle a string in front of your cat, or do any number of other things to make the pets around you happy! The Puppy Bowl will be airing on Animal Planet this Sunday, February 3rd at 3:00 p.m. Eastern.

Be sure to tune in to the Puppy Bowl to see all the action, including the beautiful hedgehog cheerleaders gracing the sidelines.

About the author(s)

Creator of the innovative Water Cooler Sports Black and Blue Defensive Rating System, Patrick Bates spent most of his life growing up in a small farm-town about an hour southwest of Detroit, MI. Because his family consisted of either happy Green Bay Packers fans, or downtrodden Detroit Lions fans, as a child he decided to chose the path of least depression and gear up in a Packers Starter jacket. After receiving his Bachelors degree in Economics from the University of Michigan, he moved to the great state of Colorado. His articles are either humorously farcical, or nerdy and stats-driven; and sometimes they are humorously nerdy and farcically stats-driven. Feel free to drop him a line at or connect with

318 comments
AlwaysACheesehead
AlwaysACheesehead

holy shit. This is the cutest thing I've seen in my entire life.... other than myself.

robertj72
robertj72

SDL, you are a kindred spirit and it is gay as hell. They should at least have the honesty to comment with their "i' dotted with little hearts and maybe rainbow and unicorn avatars.

Doctor ϟ Professor ☧
Doctor ϟ Professor ☧ moderator

yeah, sidenote about my vacation in norway....


i wrote a song that day about that wave...i was gonna call it "im riding a wave, look how metal i am" but instead went with.."Soulless Caress of My Deepest Sorrows and Metal Blood"



its 17min long and has 3 verses.

Rourke
Rourke

Hey, Patrick, be sure to throw in a plug for our new digs. Might get people to give us another look-see.

niemerg1
niemerg1

looks like reggie went on vacation

Rourke
Rourke

The guest on the Bill Michaels Show is saying things almost word for word that Brock said in his article today, so I tweeted the show:

 Yes,  is a lock for Packers HOF but won't make NFL HOF. Nevertheless, he will be missed.

robertj72
robertj72

Why are we giving this puppy bowl crap so much attention...Lingerie Bowl I get but this...it escapes me. Do we have a ton of 16 year old girl viewers I have yet to meet?

SDL
SDL

 

I'm telling Jamelle Hill: 

you posted this

you published the word "wigger"

and 

you laughed at Dave Chappelle's bit about a black white supremacist

(better get your affairs in order)

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

 I love puppies.  so sue me.


Also: fuck you

SDL
SDL

No.  Fuck you!!

Doctor ϟ Professor ☧
Doctor ϟ Professor ☧ moderator

 thats happening behind me at this moment...well...it usually is.



stoopid kittens.

SDL
SDL

 

and doesn't exercise, eat healthy, or wear a seatbelt


robertj72
robertj72

I think they taste great. With a little Soy Sauce.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

 

And the store!  Maybe we could generate some PAPER, SON! from the free ads.

SDL
SDL

 

I would say that they're acting like girls, Bob.

Teenage.  Girls.


Rourke
Rourke

 I wouldn't say they're exactly girls, Bob.

SDL
SDL

 

You and your puppy-loving compadres won me over.

I'm no longer interested in the NFL.

SDL
SDL

Everybody loves puppies - even when they piss and shit in the house.

... a fucking 3-4 day / two (2) article homage to the fucking Puppy Bowl richly deserves as much derision as the manly macho men on this blog can serve up


... oh, and fuck you, too  (with any respect that might be due)

Rourke
Rourke

 You have to basically tell him you're plugging the site, or he just rushes through things at breakneck pace. That's why I asked -- on the air -- if I could give a shoutout to one of our authors.

Rourke
Rourke

 STRAIGHT CASH, HOMEY.

robertj72
robertj72

  Nothing...it just seems queer that something so nonsensical is getting this much play. Am I wrong in thinking this is basically watching puppies play with a stuffed toy for too long? This is basically 5 articles talking about going to the pet store and looking in the window for 15 minutes.

SDL
SDL

  

Don't pay any attention to Reggie... he needs another few months to grieve over the ass-raping of the taints* in Bountygate


SDL
SDL

Yes.  Yes, they were very funny.

And very gay.

(not that there's anything wrong with that)

Rourke
Rourke

 I don't tape ankles, I don't cut checks.

And I definitely don't make t-shirts.

tmonson78
tmonson78 moderator

 Ooooh, sounds like a Vikings shirt with a WCSN logo to me!

SDL
SDL

   

I had enough of it about 90 seconds in...

Just mock them with their own gayness and try to ignore it at the same time


robertj72
robertj72

   Not serious, I'd love a joke article. I love Nation Lampoon and the Onion. This just seems like a cutesy fluff that is played out, IMO. You guys love it and not everything has to be for me so enjoy...I was just sharing my POV.

SDL
SDL

  

Seriously, Bob... why so serious?

Questioning this bunch logically is gonna get you, me and everyone / anyone else nowhere.

It's a frenzy of "National Lampoon" / "The Onion" - style humorous creative writing.

It's like the GOP version of a legitimate rape: you don't need a safe, affordable abortion... your mind (hopefully) will be able to shut all this down and out


robertj72
robertj72

  I guess I just don't get the fun after this much time on it.

robertj72
robertj72

   No ggirls that are 18 but look 16 are cute. Puppies lose their allure as soon as they tear up your couch and crap on your bed.

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

   

It's just for fun.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN