Puppy Bowl Primer: Introducing the Whelp Conference

By
Updated: January 31, 2013

Prepare yourself for the excitement of the 2013 Puppy Bowl with this in-depth report by WCSN’s crack team of investigative journalists.

Canines clash

The weather has turned cold, the days are slowly getting longer, and the NFL Conference championship is in the books. That can only mean one thing. The approach of the biggest game in American sports! That’s right, it’s almost time for the Puppy Bowl!

Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl has grown from being a mere niche program on Super Bowl Sunday to being a national treasure in just a few short years. It’s hard to imagine a television event that can bring such a smile to everyone’s face as a bunch of puppies taking to the gridiron to prove who really is the best of the best — not to mention the adorable kitten halftime show and the audacious hedgehog cheerleaders.

But the event is not the only story; the players themselves are worthy of note on their own. No quick brown fox will be jumping over these lazy dogs! From humble beginnings to national acclaim, these young stars are as diverse as they are precious. has information on each of these canine marvels, as well as a  for you to view them in action while they prep for the big game.

However, we here at WCSN have gone one step further and uncovered the exciting back-story of each puppy. That’s right, our investigative journalism knows no bounds! Investigative reporters John Jedlicka,  , and  have dug deep to give you the best possible puppy-analysis imaginable.

So, without further ado, we give you the 2013 Puppy Bowl line-up. Today we’ll be profiling the puppies of the Whelp Conference.

Whelp Conference

All Images Credit: Keith Barraclough | DCL

MagnoliaMagnolia

Breed(s): Chow Chow/Labrador Retriever mix

Sex: Female

Age: 11 weeks

Magnolia is our league’s leading scorer. She gets her tenacity from her mother’s Chow heritage, but it’s her Retriever that gives her a nose for the ball. Magnolia has struggled being one of the few black dogs in the league, but she uses that as motivation. As she puts it, “Ain’t no Cracker dog gonna tell me I can’t play football.” You go, girl!

Althea

Althea

Breed(s): Australian Shepherd/Catahoula Cur mix

Sex: Female

Age: 9 weeks

Althea is the tabloid sensation of this game. Hardly able to keep herself off of TMZ on a weekly basis, this exotic heartthrob is best known for her high-profile relationships, having dated both Lassie’s grandson and the entire cast of  in the last month alone. However, she promises to put her promiscuity aside for a moment and focus entirely on winning the Puppy Bowl this year.

Arlo

Arlo

Breed(s): Labrador Retriever/Collie mix

Sex: Male

Age: 10 weeks

Arlo is a lab/collie mix, although his agent would have you believe he’s part racehorse, part great white shark. After serving a four-game suspension for use of playtime-enhancing-drugs  from Puppy Bowl commissioner Rexer Goodboy, Arlo has worked his way back into the elite of the PBL. His tenacious defense and intimidating growl would be welcome on any team looking to win the big game. His girlfriend is currently modeling for the “Hottest Bitches of 2014” calendar.

EliEli

Breed(s): German Shepherd/pit bull mix

Sex: Male

Age: 10 weeks

Though not as talented as his older brother, who competed in and won a past Puppy Bowl, Eli’s talent should not be underestimated.

There was some controversy when Eli left Puppy University and was drafted by the San Diego Chasers. Eli did not feel that the Chasers’ general manager had the capability to bring his team to the Puppy Bowl. Eli was quoted as barking, “As long as he’s in charge, the Chasers will never move beyond drinking from the toilet,” while demanding a trade on draft day. Eli will look to show everyone he was right this weekend as the Chasers sit at home still chasing their tails.

GuntherGunther

Breed(s): Pit bull/hound mix

Sex: Male

Age: 13 weeks

Gunther, aka “The German Assassin,” may be a hound when it comes to the ladies, but he’s all pit bull when he’s on the field. Just when you think you’ve escaped the gas chamber, this dog goes all Blitzkrieg on you. Gunther is a black/brown mix but dyes his coat white, because he believes that “ze more mein opponents see zeir bloot, ze sooner zey submit to mein vill.”

Biscuit

Biscuit

Breed(s): Puerto Rican Sato

Sex: Female

Age: 12 weeks

Fan favorite Biscuit, who many claim garners far too much coverage from ESPN these days, says she’s “just happy to be here.” After dominating the puppy college landscape during her time at the University of Labradorida, Biscuit was drafted in the first round by the Denver Barkos, a move many disagreed with at the time. Biscuit was not to be underestimated, however, leading the team to eight wins in a row after the starting pupperback went down with case of turf-paw. Biscuit hopes to put to rest the bad publicity surrounding her awkward fetching style and slow retrieving motion with a good showing at this year’s Puppy Bowl.

Blitz

Blitz

Breed(s): Terrier mix

Sex: Female

Age: 11 weeks

The progeny of a terrier owned by Green Bay Packers defensive coordinator Dom Capers, Blitz only knows one move, and you can probably guess what it is. “Mobile pupperbacks should be illegal,” says Blitz after a devastating defeat at the hands of rival shelter dog, Collie PetCatNip. Blitz hopes to overcome her onesided agenda and dominate the Puppy Bowl through sheer force of will this year. She says that more than anything, she’s just hoping the puppies on offense can do a really good job, so she won’t have to adjust her game plan.

Butterscotch

Butterscotch

Breed(s): Puerto Rican Sato

Sex: Female

Age: 12 weeks

Don’t let her sweet name fool you — this fiery Latina will make you pay with her agility and mental toughness. Born in Puerto Rico, Butterscotch was one of the most sought-after baseball-fetching prospects. However, after suffering an injury sustained outside a local sandwich shop, she had to undergo the newly named “Jimmy Johns Surgery” and retire from the game she loved.

The story does not end here, though. Wanting to stay in the athletic world, Butterscoth fought and scratched her way back into playing shape and decided to pursue a new career in the PBL. Known for her lightning-fast 40-yard dash speed as well as her four-yard tail-chasing quickness, Butterscotch will be sure to light up the field this year.

Bessie

Bessie

Breed(s): Catahoula Leopard Dog mix

Sex: Female

Age: 13 weeks

Growing up as the prototypical girl next door, Bessie never dreamed she’d be living in the lime light so far away from her rural upbringing.

Bullied as a young pup because of her large size and considerable lisp, Bessie took out her frustrations on her hapless opponents, impressing scouts with her physical domination on the gridiron. Still awkward in press conferences, Bessie manages to melt the hearts of Midwesterners with her simple charm and down-home attitude. She will be releasing a cookbook later this year entitled 50 Ways to Prepare Poop.

ChestnutChestnut

Breed(s): Labrador Retriever/Australian shepherd mix

Sex: Male

Age: 9 weeks

Chestnut grew up on the tough streets of Detroit, the bastard puppy of his bitch mother Roxy, who suffered from an extreme addiction. Chestnut had a tough puppyhood, frequently walking on his mother sniffing other dog’s butts just to get to her next Milk-Bone fix. Despite his unfortunate upbringing, he has persevered and will be playing on the biggest stage of them all this weekend.

SallySally

Breed(s): Dachshund/Basset Hound mix

Sex: Female

Age: 12 weeks

Sally “The Hammer” is no stranger to humping the rock up and down the field. She’s playful and loves to “hump a nice leg.” Her owner is fond of saying, “Once she gets going, it’s best just to let her finish.” Always a fan favorite, look for Sally to light up the stadium, and be sure to wear slacks if you’re lucky enough to have front row seats.

DaffodilDaffodil

Breed(s): Chow Chow/Labrador Retriever mix

Sex: Female

Age: 11 weeks

Daffodil was drafted to the Puppy Bowl in the sixth round by the New England Petalots after serving as a backup at Michigan Puppy University. Daffodil loves waterslides and dancing to “,” but don’t mistake her playfulness on the field for weakness. On gameday there are few competitors as fierce as Daffodil.

DaisyDaisy

Breed(s): Yorkshire Terrier

Sex: Female

Age: 12 weeks

Daisy will be using the big stage of the Puppy Bowl to promote wider acceptance of pugs and tolerance for their special ways. She believes that pugs have been held down too long by the bigotry of staunch conservatives who maintain that pugs are an unnatural abomination. Daisy enjoyed a puppyhood in a family that celebrates diversity, and many of her friends are openly pug. She has been elected as this year’s Pug Pride Parade marshall.

Aurora

Aurora

Breed(s): Siberian Husky/Retriever mix

Sex: Female

Age: 10 weeks

The Russian phenom Aurora came out of nowhere earlier this season with her amazingly energetic play and spunky attitude. Having previously only played in the European Puppy World Cup as a retriever, most analysts wrote her off as a sideshow attraction, brought in to sell tickets to the fans of the floundering Cleveland CarChasers franchise. However, she managed to shut up her critics and gain a hearty fan-following en route to a well-deserved Puppy Bowl appearance.

EliasElias

Breed(s): Pit Bull

Sex: Male

Age: 12 weeks

Elias, or Eli for short, is known by many of his close friends as the Hebrew Hammer. The orphan son of a three-legged bitch named Frieda, he was born at the Los Angeles Animal Shelter where his mother was serving time for a misdemeanor conviction of urinating in the house. Eli’s hobbies, outside of being a fierce Puppy Bowl competitor, include licking his balls and chasing squirrels.

FitzFitz

Breed(s): Catahoula Cur mix

Sex: Male

Age: 10 weeks

Fitz is a lady killer who knows how to make all the women howl. However, at the recommendation of his trainer Mickey Gooddoggy who maintains that “Women weaken resolve,” he has vowed to keep his paws off of all female pups — and human legs — prior to the big game.

Cash

Cash

Breed(s): Pit pull

Sex: Male

Age: 15 weeks

At 15 weeks of age, Cash is the crafty veteran in this year’s big event. Prior to the game, he announced that he would be retiring from puppy-related pursuits following the conclusion of the Puppy Bowl. Cash would love nothing more than to go out as the top dog and put last month’s events, in which he and some friends viciously mauled a toy poodle in “self-defense,” behind him.

Stay tuned

Be sure to tune in tomorrow as we profile the members of the Cub Conference!

About the author(s)

Creator of the innovative Water Cooler Sports Black and Blue Defensive Rating System, Patrick Bates spent most of his life growing up in a small farm-town about an hour southwest of Detroit, MI. Because his family consisted of either happy Green Bay Packers fans, or downtrodden Detroit Lions fans, as a child he decided to chose the path of least depression and gear up in a Packers Starter jacket. After receiving his Bachelors degree in Economics from the University of Michigan, he moved to the great state of Colorado. His articles are either humorously farcical, or nerdy and stats-driven; and sometimes they are humorously nerdy and farcically stats-driven. Feel free to drop him a line at or connect with

541 comments
RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance
RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance

Gil Brandt stirred up some controversy with Detroit Lions fans earlier this month when he said via Twitter and on Sirius NFL Radio that Falcons receiver Julio Jones was a better receiver than Calvin Johnson.

Joedirte
Joedirte

Seriously how much ragging is Mantei Teo gonna get from his next team. If this would have happened to my borther I would rag the shit out of him now just combine Rookie Hazing and the testrone of a NFL lockerroom Teo will endure the most shit any rookie will have to endure.

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

having fun adding SEO to all of my old articles from last offseason.  Uggh.  

RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance
RWB Robert-Woude-Bromance

Gil Brandt stirred up some controversy with Detroit Lions fans earlier this month that Falcons receiver Julio Jones was a better receiver than Calvin Johnson.

G & G
G & G moderator

"My GIF is too large"

-Dirk Diggler

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq.

I have a gif that is too large for imgur. Any thoughts on how I might upload it?

G & G
G & G moderator

Manti Te'o is not a liar...

He's just the most Stupid guy in the world!!

Classic Nardo
Classic Nardo

Remember these little fuckers from the Gulag?  

Joedirte
Joedirte

Ok so Tramon Williams, the guy that voiced Lennay Kukua and Jeff Gordon will be added to the "Pussy Bowl"

niemerg1
niemerg1

its sad that im actually excited i have something to do at work...

andylet445
andylet445

ok just went back and read part of the kluwe transcript since i wasn't on the site back then.  What the fuck did woody have to do to get banned from submitting questions to a punter?

natradamus
natradamus moderator

If rourkes around-  I just sent in my picks-  sorry they are so late

G & G
G & G moderator

 Thank you?

Joedirte
Joedirte

 Not at the moment but Julio will be the best soon enough

Joedirte
Joedirte

I seriously hope whatever team Teo gets drafted to gets on Hard Knocks so I can see some of the epic Shit flinging

G & G
G & G moderator

 is your gif a black gif?

JVince11
JVince11

 I literally didn't even crack a smile at this.... -3 points.

JVince11
JVince11

 For Week 17? or the playoffs?

Classic Nardo
Classic Nardo

  Exactly.  That must be a typical Saturday night in Green Bay.

Classic Nardo
Classic Nardo

  LOL probably.  The one in front pants and sticks his tongue out like a dog, so he's fucked up.

Joedirte
Joedirte

  JVince has announced he will be the referee in the Pussy Bowl

natradamus
natradamus moderator

  the pick em contest-  super bowl round

Johnathan Wood
Johnathan Wood moderator

  more Google exposure can only be a good thing though.  I'm only bothering to do it for the articles that aren't time-sensitive (such as home field, rookie QB development, etc).  

Joedirte
Joedirte

   I probably wont lol

JVince11
JVince11

   I am a scrapper holmes... i fight in a wifebeater puto... you won't even know what heat you esse. 

Joedirte
Joedirte

  Affiction???? If you need a shirt to kick ass then go on with your bad self

adambballn
adambballn

    Vince is going to throw on one of his Affliction shirts and come kick your ass...

andylet445
andylet445

  oh ok i get it now.  hard to tell from just a transcript.

Maized and Confused
Maized and Confused

  

Woody had submitted like a BILLION questions, and Kluwe was kindly answering all of them, so we told him he could move on.

JVince11
JVince11

  they were all just small questions about video games and music or whatever and we had more important questions I thought.