WCSN Week 17 Power Rankings

By
Updated: January 4, 2013
You can feel the rage running through John Jedlicka's Week 17 Water Cooler Sports Power Rankings.

You can feel the rage running through John Jedlicka’s Week 17 Water Cooler Sports Power Rankings.

Editor’s note

I would like to take this opportunity to thank John for his contributions. He has not been our most prolific writer, but everything he has contributed has been solid gold. The man works his ass off all week at his day job yet still manages to find time to contribute to our meager site. His wit is legendary, his morals are uncompromising, and I think his boys, Ryan and Tyler, are the ball bearings that keep this world in motion.  I have the highest respect for this man. I love John, God loves John, and I want you to love John, too.

Proctologistics

With the holidays and the final week of the regular season behind us, it’s time for my final installment of the WSCN Power Rankings. Several fans bases woke Monday morning with a mixture of hope and trepidation.

Black Monday was not only dark — it was bloody. Seven head coaches were given their walking papers: Chicago’s Lovie Smith, San Diego’s Norv Turner, Philadelphia’s Andy Reid, Cleveland’s Pat Shurmur, Buffalo’s Chan Gailey, Kansas City’s Romeo Crennel, and Arizona’s Ken Whisenhunt.

The bloodletting didn’t stop there. Several teams — including the Jets, Jaguars, Chargers, and Browns — also axed their general managers. Now the race is on to see who can secure the best and brightest talent to turn the fortunes of these proud franchises around.

The news wasn’t all bad. The Minnesota Vikings and the Washington Redskins grabbed the final two spots in the NFC, and the seeding is set for what should be an exciting run to Super Bowl XLVII. I don’t want to ruin this for anyone, so if you don’t want to know how this is going to end, I suggest you stop reading and go directly to the comments.

Peering into the crystal ball

Houston and Baltimore are limping into the postseason. They will both suffer embarrassing loses at home and be one and done. While Minnesota and Seattle enter the playoffs with the hot hand, the road will not be kind to them.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin doesn't think John Jedlicka knows what he's talking about.

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin doesn’t think John Jedlicka knows what he’s talking about.

I have Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Green Bay and Washington advancing to the second round. Round 2 will see the home teams sweep. Green Bay will fall to San Francisco, Washington will lose to Atlanta, Cincinnati will fall to Denver, and Indianapolis’s dream season will come to an end in New England.

The conference championships will also go to the home teams, and Atlanta will meet Denver to settle Super Bowl XLVII. On February 3, 2013, in New Orleans, Louisiana, Peyton Manning will hoist his second Lombardi Trophy.

Now that that’s settled, I’ll let you in on a little secret. All of the loser, worthless, wannabes who missed the playoffs, have exactly zero power until this year’s draft. Therefore, the last 20 spots in the rankings this week will be in inverse draft order. So, I apologize to all you fans who feel your teams were on the cusp of greatness. They weren’t.

Chasing records

We didn’t see any more season records broken this weekend. However, I would like to congratulate Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, who fell just nine yards short of the single-season rushing mark. If he doesn’t win the MVP, it will be the biggest arse raping since the Fail Mary.

You said it

Andylet445 apparently thinks I’m a Packers hater.

yes! can’t wait to hear about your packers one and done prediction

I most certainly do not think the Packers will be one and done — although, I have to say, it wouldn’t break my heart. I am a Bears fan, after all. I think they will dispatch the Vikings and make it look easy. I think they’ll lose in the second round to San Francisco. I think they would win if they traveled to Atlanta, and I suppose that’s possible, but that would just bring them back to San Fran in the conference final.

If Um is to be believed, I may have finally connected to a few of my readers.

I think I have to agree with Denver being the favorite to win the Super Bowl right now.

Mile High Stadium may be the one stadium in the NFL that has a true home-field advantage. We’re not just talking about crowd noise and the elements; the thin air at the higher altitude gives a physical advantage to the home team. Combine that with the fact that the Broncos are one of the hottest teams heading into the playoffs, and it is a lethal combination.

Who’s Hot

At least twenty fan bases I can think of.

Honorable mention

Ray Lewis. See you in the Hall in about five years.

On the move

Everyone!

It’s time to rank ‘em and spank ‘em!

Week 16 Power Rankings

Ranking
(Previous)
Team Record Comments
1
(1)
Denver Broncos 13-3 Your team is the odds-on favorite to win the Super Bowl, and marijuana is legal in your state. As far as I'm concerned, you've already won.
2
(3)
Atlanta Falcons 13-3 Is this the year you get over the hump, or are you bound and determined to take it up the rump?
3
(3)
New England Patriots 12-4 You are the No. 2 seed because you lost to the Arizona Cardinals at home. Chew on that while you're freezing your asses off and watching the Super Bowl at home.
4
(5)
San Francisco 49ers 11-4-1 Your pride parade stops in Atlanta. You can get a ride home on the pink Harbaugh float, or take a flight on Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Airlines.
5
(4)
Green Bay Packers 11-5 You know why you're not the favorite? Because you couldn't beat the Minnesota-Fricking-Vikings!
6
(10)
Washington Redskins 10-6 Thank you in advance for beating the tar out of Seattle. Sorry, this isn't your year.
7
(9)
Indianapolis Colts 11-5 People in your state drive like crap and call themselves Hoosiers. They expect disappointment, and I'm sure you'll deliver.
8
(11)
Cincinnati Bengals 10-6 Winners aren't gingers, and gingers aren't winners. Sorry to disappoint.
9
(7)
Seattle Seahawks 11-5 I hate to tell you, but they don't have replacement refs in the playoffs.
10
(13)
Minnesota Vikings 10-6 You shouldn't have pissed Green Bay off.
11
(8)
Houston Texans 12-4 Houston, we have a problem.
12
(6)
Baltimore Ravens 10-6 I'm sure Ray Lewis would kill to go out a winner, but it ain't gonna happen.
13
(32)
Kansas City Chiefs 2-14 I don't care if you lick windows or interfere with farm animals. Congratulations on the No. 1 pick in the draft, not to mention the No. 1 pick of coaches. I knew you could do it.
14
(31)
Jacksonville Jaguars 2-14 Fire your GM and keep your coach. Emulating the Jets makes as much sense as masturbating with sandpaper.
15
(29)
Oakland Raiders 4-12 You're the Cousin Eddy of football teams.
16
(27)
Philadelphia Eagles 4-12 I'm not a football genius, but Andy Reid was not the problem.
17
(28)
Detroit Lions 4-12 I think the fact that you're in Detroit entitles you to a bailout. You might want to look into that.
18
(26)
Cleveland Browns 5-11 Thank God it's winter. The odor has dissipated, and now there's just some harmless steam.
19
(30)
Arizona Cardinals 5-11 You should be drafting high enough to get the first crappy quarterback in this year's draft.
20
(24)
Buffalo Bills 6-10 So you're interviewing Lovie Smith? Apparently you've forgotten Dick Jauron. I guess that's understandable.
21
(22)
New York Jets 6-10 Thank you for dispelling the idea that Tebow was, in fact, Jesus.
22
(25)
Tennessee Titans 6-10 Thank you for reminding me just how important a regular bowel movement is.
23
(21)
San Diego Chargers 7-9 You're surrounded by Tijuana and Miramar Naval Air Station. If you want to be Top Gun, you need to stop putting on donkey shows.
24
(18)
Miami Dolphins 7-9 Doesn't it make you sick watching the '72 team celebrate their undefeated season rather than celebrating a winning team? Just asking.
25
(23)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-9 Congratulations on an utterly forgettable season. Wait, what were we talking about?
26
(20)
Carolina Panthers 7-9 . . . and become your mom's favorite team? I'm just loosening my arm.
27
(19)
New Orleans Saints 7-9 I don't know what was more annoying: the Bountygate scandal or your performance on the field.
28
(16)
St. Louis Rams 7-8-1 The most exciting part of your season was the tie.
29
(17)
Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8 Oh, how the mighty have fallen. It's possible the draft might help, but I would send at least one assistant coach to the medical equipment store.
30
(15)
Dallas Cowboys 8-8 I think I speak for the rest of the league when I say, don't change a thing.
31
(14)
New York Giants 9-7 I poop, you poop, we poop!
32
(12)
Chicago Bears 10-6 Nice! You achieved the lowest possible draft position without making the playoffs. Your mothers must be so-o-o-o proud of you. Pffffft! Guppies!

About the author(s)

Ejected from a dry, desolate womb, Power Ranker John Jedlicka was thrust into this angry universe against his will, and better judgement. Armed with the knowledge of good, and the power of right, John has made it his sole mission to level fools with his arsenal of truth, and soften the blow of the harsh realities of this cruel world on the meek minded. Feel free to contact him at with praise, ridicule, or requests for clarification. Connect with

564 comments
FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

Although I want to see Minny win. Pack will win in a blowout. No doubt. 

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

That dude Johnny Football aint all hype. Hes the real deal. 

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq.

It's hilarious listening to AP talk about Sunday's game, claiming it was "very balanced."

Dude had THIRTY-FOUR (34) carries.

Houndog
Houndog

OK guys, I'm gonna take my dogs to the park to waste some time, then do the grocery shopping, get the propane tank for the gas grill filled, and just occupy as much time as I can to make the day go faster! 

See y'all later!

Rourke
Rourke

Audrina Patridge looked so much better before her terrible boob job. I don't understand why women feel the compulsion to put sacks of salt water under their boobs.

Rourke
Rourke

My eight-month-old has started signing. It's pretty cute. He can't say "more," "milk," or "please" yet, but he can make the signs for them when he wants food. Although he uses the sign for "milk" for all kinds of food.

Rourke
Rourke

I am pacing back and forth mentally, trying to figure out how I am going to watch as much of this game as possible.

LaCWrestler
LaCWrestler

 Same with what I feel for Sea-Skins. I want the Skins to win, and feel like they have a chance to, but I feel like it will be a Seattle blowout

LaCWrestler
LaCWrestler

 Yah. I would wait a year or till he graduates to accept a HC job. 

Rourke
Rourke

 True, although Ponder had twenty-eight (28) attempts, so for a run-heavy offense like that, it was fairly balanced. Of course, Ponder only completed 16 of those attempts.

Rourke
Rourke

 What time is kickoff for the early game?

Houndog
Houndog

I remember my nephews when they were little,  "Ogurt" was one of their early food requests.

LaCWrestler
LaCWrestler

 I don't think I could talk at 8 months, much less sign things. 

Houndog
Houndog

  You too huh?  I was awake at 4:15 and there was no going back to sleep, I laid around till 5:30 and then started on the coffee!

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

 Nah. Im not buying the Seattle hype. especially on the road in the playoff atmosphere. (Toronto is not a playoff atmosphere). DC wins. 

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

 hes a true freshman so he wont be able to leave till 2015. 

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq.

  It just felt like they ran, ran. ran and then passed only when forced to.

Rourke
Rourke

 There are tons of pics online, but here is an example. 

Rourke
Rourke

Well, we've been teaching him sign language since he was very young, so it's nice to see it start paying off. Of course, they're the sign-language equivalent of babytalk -- very crude -- but it's obvious what he is trying to accomplish, so we reward his efforts. 

That's the wonderful thing about teaching babies to sign, though. Most of what what we call "the terrible twos" is just babies reacting in frustration because no one knows what they want and they don't have the language abilities to express it. Children can sign much earlier than they can talk, so it helps them to express their desires before it boils over into frustration. Studies have shown that children who are taught to sign are much better behaved.

Rourke
Rourke

 Yeah, well, some dumbfuckcuntass at my wife's place of employment scheduled the company Christmas party for right during the playoff game!!!!!!!! Agh, I am so pissed.

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

 this one can actually pass. He has way better mechanics than Tebow has

Rourke
Rourke

 The things that are said about him, it makes me wonder if he'll turn out to be another Tim Tebow.

FalconsFan0125
FalconsFan0125

 He should stay and get stronger. Hes a little small for the NFL

Rourke
Rourke

 He can leave whenever wants. He just can't play in the NFL until he is three years removed from high school.

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq.

  I'm confident in our ability to score 24+ and not so much in Minnesota's ability to keep up.

Rourke
Rourke

 I am telling you, this defense disrespected Ponder. I think they had a wakeup call and will be playing more vigilant football this week, which gives me optimism. They need to make sure they tackle, not just try to bump AP off his feet, and they have to be prepared for the pass. If they do those two things, they should win the game.

Pat Fenis, Esq.
Pat Fenis, Esq.

  Ponder's last TD... ugh. How was that not intercepted?

Rourke
Rourke

 Fortunately for the Vikings, they made the most of those completions (and mistakes by the Packers' defense). Several of those completions came at critical time and extended drives.

Rourke
Rourke

 Cool! I'll see you around then? Have a great day. I am going to go finish my Packers preview article now.

Rourke
Rourke

 Although it's weird: This photoshoot supposedly took place right after she got out of high school, and she had sizable tits then. Her weight really seems to fluctuate a lot.

All those pictures go to prove is that breast size has a lot to do with body fat composition. If you're too skinny, you'll have tiny boobs. She probably felt the drive to be rail thin after she got to Hollywood and lost her tits, so she had to make up for it with augmentation.

Rourke
Rourke

 Nope. But would you be interested in writing the halftime article? It takes about 10 or 15 min to write, less if you take notes during the game.

Houndog
Houndog

   Then good, bite your tongue and do whatchoo gotta do! We all know it ain't the end of the world.

Rourke
Rourke

 There is that double standard in a lot of marriages, but I don't think there is one here. I am fully cognizant of the fact I get to do almost whatever the hell I want -- shit, there are plenty of times I get out of housework just by saying "there's a big game on" -- and I am sure she does things with me that don't interest her at all, just to spend time with me, so it's only fair I do this with her. I get the better end of the stick in our marriage overall.

If I didn't run this site, I probably wouldn't be quite as angry.

Houndog
Houndog

  I should have said "One of the reasons" there were many!

Houndog
Houndog

   Well good luck with that, I would be absolutely furious, don't know what I'd do. Don't get me wrong, I've never been abusive, but shit like this is probably why I'm divorced, the double standard in events we HAD TO attend!

Rourke
Rourke

 I know you were kidding, but talking about it helps me expend some of my rage in a constructive manner.

Houndog
Houndog

  you know I was kidding, but it was a ploy my X-mother-in law- used! Really!

Rourke
Rourke

 I don't think she'd find it convincing at all. She's been with me long enough to know I never miss the toilet, even when I have to run to the bathroom from a dead sleep.

I have a pretty awesome marriage, and I tend to abuse my freedoms more than I ought as it is, so I don't think I'll do her that discourtesy. Hopefully some of the TVs near the bar will be playing the game and I can wander back and forth. Maybe stream it on my wife's smart phone or something.

In any case, I am probably going to need someone to write the halftime article for me. I doubt this highbrow place has WiFi.

Houndog
Houndog

    And shit all over the bathroom floor, that'll help too! More convincing!

Houndog
Houndog

   I thought about that after I wrote it, I kinda figured!

Rourke
Rourke

 The "he" is a "she", and considering she's the kind of person who by her own admission doesn't hesitate at all to spend $2,500 or more on a pair of shoes or a handbag, I can't say I am terribly surprised. 

LaCWrestler
LaCWrestler

  Stick your finger down your throat, puke, and tell your wife you are too sick to go. 

Houndog
Houndog

   Oh Fuck, that's blasphemy, he should be fllogged .

*What are you going to do?*