WCSN Week 16 Power Rankings

By
Updated: December 27, 2012

Water Cooler Sports columnist John Jedlicka brings home the bacon with the Week 16 Power Rankings.

Proctologistics

I trust you all had a safe and happy holiday. For me it was a weekend filled with family, friends, food, and football. In Cincinnati and Indianapolis, Christmas came early, as both the Bengals and the Colts managed to secure the last two playoff spots in the AFC. Over in the NFC, five teams are hoping Santa has one more gift.

Some people are willing to make an ass of themselves for bacon.

The playoff picture in the AFC is pretty clear. We know the six teams that are in. We know that Indianapolis will be the No. 5 seed, and Cincinnati will be  No. 6. Houston, Denver, and New England are currently Nos. 1, 2, and 3. If all three teams win, the order is set. Should any one of those teams lose, the door will be open for the other teams to improve their seeding.

In the NFC, we know that Atlanta holds the top seed and will have home-field throughout the playoffs. We know that Green Bay, San Francisco, and Seattle are in. This leaves the NFC East and one wildcard spot up for grabs. The NFC East will be settled Sunday night in a showdown between Dallas and Washington, at Washington.

For NFC North fans this weekend has something for everyone. Chicago travels to Detroit for the early game on Sunday. Detroit can end the season on a positive note — and knock a division rival out of the playoffs — with a win. If Chicago wins, they will have to sweat out the late game between the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings. The game will be played in Minnesota, and both teams will have plenty on the line. If Minnesota wins, they will clinch the wildcard. If the Packers win, they will seal up the second seed in the conference, ensuring themselves a first-round bye.

No one loves bacon more than the rabid readership of the Water Cooler Sports Network.

Oh yeah, there is one more team in the hunt. The New York Giants will need to beat the Philadelphia Eagles at home and have Minnesota, Chicago, and Dallas lose. Anything short of that, and the defending Super Bowl champions will be eliminated.

Chasing records

Last week I mentioned several players chasing single season records.

One of the players mentioned, Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson, managed to break Jerry Rice’s single season mark for relieving yards. In Saturday’s contest against the Atlanta Falcons, Johnson hauled in 11 catches for 225 yards, to give him 1,892 yards on the season. This eclipses the previous mark of 1,848 set by Rice.

Someone who wasn’t mentioned last week, rookie Blair Walsh, the placekicker for the Minnesota Vikings, set a record for most field goals of 50+ yards, with his ninth field goal of 50+ yards in nine attempts.

Still on the watch list are, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson (rushing yardage), Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt (sacks), and San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith (sacks).

Finally, one new addition. With two more scores this past weekend, the Chicago Bears defense needs just one more touchdown to tie the single season mark at ten.

You said it

Miracle Man does not like the Broncos:

Ain’t no way Denver is #1

I guess we’re going to have to agree to disagree. Denver has not only reeled off ten wins in a row, they may be the only team that has improved each week. They are guaranteed at least one home game, and there isn’t a team in the AFC they can’t beat on the road. If the manage to get the No. 1 seed, they will be a heavy favorite to make it to the SuperB owl, and my pick to win.

Buhlitz is hot!

IF DETROIT BEATS THE FALCONS AND THE BEARS WILL U MOVE THEM AHEAD OF THE BEARS PLEASE AND THE FALCONS

TURN OFF YOUR DAMN CAPS LOCK!

And, to answer your question, no.

If you want to keep it from going to your hips, wear it on your hips!

Who’s Hot

Congratulations to the Cincinnati Bengals and Indianapolis Colts for locking up the final two postseason spots in the AFC. Kudos are also in order for the Redskins, Vikings, and Bears for winning to keep their playoff hopes alive.

Honorable mention

Congratulations to the Atlanta Falcons for securing the No. 1 seed in the NFC.

On the move

The cogent Minnesota Vikings and the fainéant Carolina Panthers and San Diego Chargers all move up three spots this week, while the mercurial San Francisco 49ers and the Ccpricious Houston Texans both drop three spots.

It’s time to rank ‘em and spank ‘em!

Week 16 Power Rankings

Ranking
(Previous)
Team Record Comments
1
(1)
Denver Broncos 12-3 I get the feeling that the Cutler trade doesn't sting the Denver fan base quite the way it use to.
2
(3)
Atlanta Falcons 13-2 The only team in the playoff picture that can rest players. Not a bad week to put a few bucks on the Bucs.
3
(4)
New England Patriots 11-4 A win at home and a loss by Houston or Denver would give the Patriots a first-round bye. Could you imagine if they called it a "Bi"? That would give a whole new meaning to the tuck rule.
4
(6)
Green Bay Packers 11-4 The Packers need a win to ensure the No. 2 seed and a first-round bye, not to mention the satisfaction of sending the Bears to the playoffs.
5
(2)
San Francisco 49ers 10-4-1 The 49ers need a victory to win the NFC West title. I could make the argument that they can rest their starters, since the have the Cardinals at home.
6
(7)
Baltimore Ravens 10-5 With a win and a Patriots loss, the Ravens can move up to the No. 3 seed, and, in theory, make their playoff road a bit easier. My guess is they leave a fecal deposit on the mattress and limp into the postseason.
7
(8)
Seattle Seahawks 10-5 This is a team on a roll, and, thanks to Lance Easley, with a win this weekend, and a little help, they still have a shot at the No. 2 seed.
8
(5)
Houston Texans 12-3 Houston needs a win to enter the playoffs with any momentum. Although a good bowel movement could do as much to propel them as their recent on-field performance.
9
(9)
Indianapolis Colts 10-5 Indy is locked into the No. 5 seed, but they would love to get a win for that bald guy with the heartwarming story.
10
(10)
Washington Redskins 9-6 It's win or go home for the Redskins. The good news is they're playing in Washington, so they won't have far to go.
11
(11)
Cincinnati Bengals 9-6 The Bengals are locked in at the No. 6 seed, but they won't want to lose at home to a division rival. Plus, what a boost this would be to gingers everywhere!
12
(13)
Chicago Bears 9-6 The Bears need to win, and they need some help. Luckily they play Detroit, and the Packers still have something to play for. Sadly, the Bears still suck.
13
(16)
Minnesota Vikings 9-6 The Vikings can get in without a win, but they would need Chicago and Dallas to lose. All lot of teams are interested to see if this experiment of playing without a quarterback works for them. Luckily, the Vikings are playing one of the most overrated teams in the NFL (if not the entire universe).
14
(12)
New York Giants 8-7 Like I said above, you're pretty much screwed. Unless you catch a break, make it into the playoffs, and draw the Packers as your opponent.
15
(14)
Dallas Cowboys 8-7 Dallas needs to win on the road at Washington, or they'll need tickets if they want to see the playoffs.
16
(17)
St. Louis Rams 7-7-1 Playing for pride hasn't worked up to this point. Why would we expect it to change in Week 17?
17
(15)
Pittsburgh Steelers 7-8 When was the last time the Steelers played a meaningless game in Week 17? I like it!
18
(18)
Miami Dolphins 7-8 Their game this week is rated X. They are going to freeze their nuts off and get their asses waxed in New England.
19
(19)
New Orleans Saints 7-8 It's bad enough that the team sucked this year, but I pity the Saints fans more for having to sit through the Pepsi commercials featuring Drew Breeze and One Direction.
20
(23)
Carolina Panthers 6-9 I'll bet Cam wasn't his mom's favorite quarterback before the Play 60 commercials came out.
21
(24)
San Diego Chargers 6-9 I'm amazed at just how average you are.
22
(20)
New York Jets 6-9 You don't have a quarterback problem, you have a quarterback clustersuckfest.
23
(21)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-9 Perhaps if you played more like Buccaneers and less like Mermaids, things might have worked out differently.
24
(22)
Buffalo Bills 5-10 You guys should make excuse cookies. They're kinda like fortune cookies, except they're all about how you suck.
25
(25)
Tennessee Titans 5-10 It's like a last game of the season wet dream. You get to play Jacksonville at home.
26
(26)
Cleveland Browns 5-10 I'm pretty sure you can deflect a lot of attention if you just bring up the whole LeBron thing.
27
(27)
Philadelphia Eagles 4-11 Donovan McNabb's therapist says you've really helped him turn a corner.
28
(28)
Detroit Lions 4-11 You can beat a division rival, knock them out of the playoffs, and the lowest you'll draft is No. 9. I say, "Go for it!"
29
(29)
Oakland Raiders 4-11 Your best chance to beat San Diego this weekend is to move to Los Angeles before they do.
30
(30)
Arizona Cardinals 5-10 Didn't you get the memo from the Vikings? You need a superhuman running back if you're going to try to win without a quarterback.
31
(31)
Jacksonville Jaguars 2-13 Well, you have the helmets. If we get you guys some crayons, you'll be all set.
32
(32)
Kansas City Chiefs 2-13 Hang in there, little buddies. One more week and #32 is yours until next September!

About the author(s)

Ejected from a dry, desolate womb, Power Ranker John Jedlicka was thrust into this angry universe against his will, and better judgement. Armed with the knowledge of good, and the power of right, John has made it his sole mission to level fools with his arsenal of truth, and soften the blow of the harsh realities of this cruel world on the meek minded. Feel free to contact him at with praise, ridicule, or requests for clarification. Connect with

477 comments
Childerz...
Childerz...

Her name is Korra Kristine and she is 8lbs 2oz and 20 inches. long.

adambballn
adambballn

So if the Lions lose to the Bears they will be picking 3rd, 4th, or 5th?  What's the tie breaker on that?

SDL
SDL

Anybody here willing to confess that they have, in fact, watched a bowl game, this year?


Maized and Confused
Maized and Confused

Thank God you dickmunchers showed up today. 

I was about ready to kill myself while perusing the gulag.

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

God damn I'm gonna take my sorry ass back to bed. I feel like shit. Cold medicine wearing off.

andylet445
andylet445

hopefully she doesn't marry a guy with the last name K

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

Awesome man. Congrats AGAIN since you keep fucking running off when I say that

andylet445
andylet445

same as playoffs i think.  head to head, common opponents etc.

Maized and Confused
Maized and Confused

 I will watch 2 Bowl games this year.

The Michigan Game and the NC Championship game. All others can suck a fuck.

andylet445
andylet445

MaC watches them all he can recap for you. 

andylet445
andylet445

the gulag has been rough. especially yesterday

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

 Melton really has not done anything I recall before this to draw attention to himself. Other than playing really well this season that is. Raiola comes off more like a clown with his reaction than Melton does with his statements. Mostly because many other people have said the same thing about the Lions and Raiola.

SDL
SDL

 

LOL... did he wait until Melton was on IR to get mouthy?

(not a fan of Da Bearss + heard / read Melton was on IR, but somebody here denied it)

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

You should get one of those quadruplets to come over and "take care" of you

adambballn
adambballn

  tough to take a sick day after a 4 day weekend...

andylet445
andylet445

chug some nyquil and see if you can fap before it hits you. 

adambballn
adambballn

  I'm sick as a dog too... stuck at work.  Doing everything I can to stay awake at my desk.

Childerz...
Childerz...

@Pugs R Kewl i heard it this time thank you!!

adambballn
adambballn

    I just looked it up... strength of schedule.  Easiest schedule picks first... so assuming the Lions lose and Philly and Oakland lose the Lions would pick 5th.

Childerz...
Childerz...

birtth of what?? You have me confused with that guy.....* runs away*

andylet445
andylet445

  Look for the christmas star only there you will find the answers you are looking for 

andylet445
andylet445

  you can't kill him for that one gay thing with your dog.  he was born that way.  

adambballn
adambballn

   I am confused by the Bears trash talking before the game... do they think they can get the Lions to take some stupid penalties?  The Lions have looked like a team that has quit lately... I don't think it's a good idea to give them something to play for.

adambballn
adambballn

   No... he should be playing this weekend.  Melton's probably going to abuse Raiola too...

Kuato Face
Kuato Face moderator

  Yeah, it sucks. I'm my own boss so I can take off whenever I want. Still, I am missing out on 180 bucks today. Hopefully it will be short lived. I had a sore throat for only one day. Now I have a cough and low grade fever.

Childerz...
Childerz...

I already do that myself...whats the big deal??

adambballn
adambballn

     they'll be a pug in the house pissing and shitting all over Childerz carpet.

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

   It's like Paranormal Activity. Whenever it's she's like 8 or so I'm going to sneak in your house at night and throw all your dishes and shit everywhere 

Childerz...
Childerz...

@Childerz if by rumplestiltskin you mean Raji then yes... yes I did.

adambballn
adambballn

    You didn't promise your baby to Rumpelstiltskin or something did you?

Benjamin Rajile
Benjamin Rajile

   So 2008 was probably a great year at the ESPN NFCN Blog

SDL
SDL

  

I hope this proves interesting, then...

(somebody tell Melton to untie Raiola's shoes)

adambballn
adambballn

   I'm sure I got it travelling last weekend...