Playoff Purgatory

He holds sway over life and death itself. The Dark Lord of Playoff Purgatory renders his judgment today.

Throne of judgment

Eight teams — five in the NFC, three in the AFC — are scrabbling for the last four playoffs like Tasmanian devils battling over a rotting corpse. They are doomed to languish in my domain, where I rule over all with an iron fist, tormented in an agony of suspense as they wait for their fellow scum to settle their fates.

Some of them will escape from my shadowy realm into the eternal bliss of playoff heaven. Others will be cast out into outer darkness, into the lack of fire, as their seasons go up in smoke and die in the stench of brimstone.

The imp hovering at my ear has a message for me. The verdicts are in.

Welcome, my friends, to playoff purgatory.

Chicago Bears

You were given every opportunity to make the playoffs. You had a 7-1 record before losing an inexcusable five of your last six games.

Your offense reminds me of myself at 15. It just can’t score. I should cast you into the fiery pit for your horrible play calling and lack of execution on crucial plays alone. All that beer and sausage you stuff your face with will burn your rear like a tire yard for all eternity.

Unfortunately, though, it seems you play the Arizona Cardinals and Detroit Lions in your final two games. So against my better judgment . . . you shall pass through the Pearly Gates.

Verdict: Redeemed

The Dallas Cowboys had every chance to mend their ways, but like the fool in a Jack Chick tract, refused to bend their knee before the Almighty.

Dallas Cowboys

Look at you, miserable pieces of scum. I thought I already cast you into the Valley of Hinnom — you know, when you were demolished by the Bears on Monday Night Football and when the Washington Redskins destroyed you on Thanksgiving. Sadly, you seem to stick around like feces on a shoe.

On the other hand, it seems you need to win out to make the playoffs and must contend with a tough that includes the New Orleans Saints and Redskins again. I’m afraid it’s time to scrape you off at last . . . and cast the into the belly of the Beast, where you will suffer for all eternity. (Or at least until the offseason ends).

Verdict: Damned

Minnesota Vikings

You stand on the threshold of Valhalla. If you win out, you’re in. Unfortunately, the scheduling gods have pulled a cruel prank on you, sending you through two games of Tribulation known as the Houston Texans and Green Bay Packers. So to quote Donald Trump . . . “You’re fired!” (Oh, the hilarity!)

(But seriously, let’s hope running back Adrian Peterson can break the single season rushing record, because I have him on my Hades Fantasy League .)

Verdict: Damned

As they eat Slim Jims in playoff hell, the Minnesota Vikings can take comfort in the fact their running back made history.

Washington Redskins

I tried to myself of you several times this season. I even thought I done it when I managed to make Robert Griffin III’s leg crumple like a folding chair. You must be favored from on high, because Kirk Cousins looked like a 10-year veteran against the Cleveland Browns, you’re getting RGIII back against the Philadelphia Eagles this Saturday, and then the only obstacle in your path is the Cowboys, whom you destroyed down in Dallas. All I can say is welcome to Heaven and get ready for Seattle.

Verdict: Redeemed

New York Giants

The scriptures say that the oldest sin — the sin of Satan — was pride, and it is the arrogance of the New York Giants that has condemned them to playoff perdition.

I never thought I’d see the defending Super Bowl champions reduced to this. You lowly maggots, did you actually believe you could just flip the switch and turn on another late-season run, roll into the Super Bowl, and feast on the New England Patriots once again?

Now you’re stuck between Sodom and Gomorrah and your wife’s already been turned to a pile of salt. If the Redskins and Cowboys win this Saturday, you’re eliminated from NFC East title contention. Even worse for you, the Bears have an easy schedule, while you must still play the Baltimore Ravens.

But don’t worry. I’ll let you borrow my sunscreen. SPF 1,000,000 should do the trick . . . don’t you think?

Verdict: Damned

Indianapolis Colts

If you win, you’re in. If Pittsburgh loses, you’re in. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is the anthem up here in playoff heaven.

Verdict: Redeemed

The Indianapolis Colts will be filled with the joy of the Lord as they are welcomed to playoff paradise only one year removed from a 2-14 season.

Pittsburgh Steelers

I really felt bad for what happened to you this season. I even tried make it up to you, but you somehow found a way to lose the game I handed you against Dallas.

So I’m not giving you any more chances. You’ll just have to find out what temperature steel melts at. (Hint: Google has all the gory details.) Something I’ve always wondered: are you carbon steel or stainless steel? Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to test your tensile strength in Tartarus.

Verdict: Damned

A light of peace has pierced the gloom in Cincinnati, where Bengals are destined for playoff heaven.

Cincinnati Bengals

I admit it. I’ve been extra cruel to you the past few years. Perhaps my finest touch was the 2005 playoffs, when Carson Palmer’s leg crumpled like an accordion under the ponderous weight of my henchman Kimo von Oelhoffen. But because Christmas is the season of giving, let me make it up to you. I’m going to sneak you sneak you up the fire escape in the back of heaven. Bet you never knew I had a flair for the double entendre.

Verdict: Redeemed

The Force is strong with them. But is it strong enough to escape from playoff purgatory?