@Bierkase @SportswithJon will be on the Overtime Show with @JtESPN991 at 5:15 CT to preview Week 16 in #NFCNorth.
Throne of judgment
Eight teams — five in the NFC, three in the AFC — are scrabbling for the last four playoffs like Tasmanian devils battling over a rotting corpse. They are doomed to languish in my domain, where I rule over all with an iron fist, tormented in an agony of suspense as they wait for their fellow scum to settle their fates.
Some of them will escape from my shadowy realm into the eternal bliss of playoff heaven. Others will be cast out into outer darkness, into the lack of fire, as their seasons go up in smoke and die in the stench of brimstone.
The imp hovering at my ear has a message for me. The verdicts are in.
Welcome, my friends, to playoff purgatory.
You were given every opportunity to make the playoffs. You had a 7-1 record before losing an inexcusable five of your last six games.
Your offense reminds me of myself at 15. It just can’t score. I should cast you into the fiery pit for your horrible play calling and lack of execution on crucial plays alone. All that beer and sausage you stuff your face with will burn your rear like a tire yard for all eternity.
Unfortunately, though, it seems you play the Arizona Cardinals and Detroit Lions in your final two games. So against my better judgment . . . you shall pass through the Pearly Gates.
Look at you, miserable pieces of scum. I thought I already cast you into the Valley of Hinnom — you know, when you were demolished by the Bears on Monday Night Football and when the Washington Redskins destroyed you on Thanksgiving. Sadly, you seem to stick around like feces on a shoe.
On the other hand, it seems you need to win out to make the playoffs and must contend with a tough that includes the New Orleans Saints and Redskins again. I’m afraid it’s time to scrape you off at last . . . and cast the into the belly of the Beast, where you will suffer for all eternity. (Or at least until the offseason ends).
You stand on the threshold of Valhalla. If you win out, you’re in. Unfortunately, the scheduling gods have pulled a cruel prank on you, sending you through two games of Tribulation known as the Houston Texans and Green Bay Packers. So to quote Donald Trump . . . “You’re fired!” (Oh, the hilarity!)
(But seriously, let’s hope running back Adrian Peterson can break the single season rushing record, because I have him on my Hades Fantasy League .)
I tried to myself of you several times this season. I even thought I done it when I managed to make Robert Griffin III’s leg crumple like a folding chair. You must be favored from on high, because Kirk Cousins looked like a 10-year veteran against the Cleveland Browns, you’re getting RGIII back against the Philadelphia Eagles this Saturday, and then the only obstacle in your path is the Cowboys, whom you destroyed down in Dallas. All I can say is welcome to Heaven and get ready for Seattle.
New York Giants
I never thought I’d see the defending Super Bowl champions reduced to this. You lowly maggots, did you actually believe you could just flip the switch and turn on another late-season run, roll into the Super Bowl, and feast on the New England Patriots once again?
Now you’re stuck between Sodom and Gomorrah and your wife’s already been turned to a pile of salt. If the Redskins and Cowboys win this Saturday, you’re eliminated from NFC East title contention. Even worse for you, the Bears have an easy schedule, while you must still play the Baltimore Ravens.
But don’t worry. I’ll let you borrow my sunscreen. SPF 1,000,000 should do the trick . . . don’t you think?
If you win, you’re in. If Pittsburgh loses, you’re in. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is the anthem up here in playoff heaven.
I really felt bad for what happened to you this season. I even tried make it up to you, but you somehow found a way to lose the game I handed you against Dallas.
So I’m not giving you any more chances. You’ll just have to find out what temperature steel melts at. (Hint: Google has all the gory details.) Something I’ve always wondered: are you carbon steel or stainless steel? Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to test your tensile strength in Tartarus.
I admit it. I’ve been extra cruel to you the past few years. Perhaps my finest touch was the 2005 playoffs, when Carson Palmer’s leg crumpled like an accordion under the ponderous weight of my henchman Kimo von Oelhoffen. But because Christmas is the season of giving, let me make it up to you. I’m going to sneak you sneak you up the fire escape in the back of heaven. Bet you never knew I had a flair for the double entendre.
About the author
Nate, I found the perfect Christmas card for your ex:
The Mayan Calendar is as accurate at the cooking time on your lean cuisine if you don't have an 1100 watt microwave
We are all really inside the Matrix. One of us needs to play Neo.
@Maized and Confused The Mayan Calendar admires the accuracy of Jay Cutler.
@Maized and Confused well technically since the calendar ends today, would the real end of the world be tomorrow?
@Um... Make sure you do not score ANOTHER GINGER!
@Um... Be sure and post it on FB and tag your whore ex GF in it
@Pugs R Kewl She has me uber blocked on FB. Nothing I post passes in front of her eyes.
wrap him up.
Since there's no tomorrow anyway, throw caution to the wind and just go for it. No inhibitions.
Tell her you love her.
@Big Cheese I have known her for years. First time she has been single in all that time. I know for a fact she can't get knocked up, so that is one worry I need not participate in. Still, probably wrap it anyways if the need arises.
Is he hot?
@Um... bring plenty of lube and condoms!
Goodell said he was talked out of not canceling the pro bowl.
I want to know who is the ass wipe he got in his ear?
@Big Cheese It is a pretty good post. I only wish he could have found a way to incorporate Randy Macho Man Savage into it.
@Big Cheese maybe you should marry it
Why are you always so sarcastic? I try to stay serious and on point in here, and you just wreck if for me every day.